<a href="http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/3397519800_8ddac86fc4.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-340" title="3397519800_8ddac86fc4" src="http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/3397519800_8ddac86fc4.jpg" alt="" width="531" height="384" /></a>
<h5 style="padding-left: 390px;">Photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/iloveblue/">Scarleth White</a></h5>
I've been too busy for a lot of things, lately. Too busy to watch a movie without falling asleep. Too busy to go to the gym. Too busy for romantic, leisurely walks on the beach with Jason (well, there's no beach on hand, but time is the bigger hurdle, it seems).

I'm no fool. I've been divorced. I know you have to make time for love. I just wish my main love language—Quality Time—didn't demand so much focused attention and, well, <em>time</em>. If I could, I would gladly trade it in for a lower-maintenance, higher-efficiency option.
<h4>What this love language idea is all about</h4>
The love languages concept, if you're not familiar with it, comes from the book by Gary Chapman, <a href="http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/">The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate</a>. If you think the term "love languages" sounds a bit cheesy, wait until you see the book cover and website (they inspired the photo I chose for my post). Actually, wait until you read the book. It's written in a style that I can hardly stomach—the entire time I was reading it, I was doing a simultaneous re-write in my mind.

You should read it, though. Not because I want you to suffer through the literary experience, but because <strong>I'm convinced the concept at the heart of the book is brilliant</strong>. It's a concept I think everyone should be aware of, whether you're married or not, because <strong>it helps you understand some really deeply-rooted things about yourself</strong>—your childhood, your parents, their relationship, how you deal with love as an adult. It gives you a fresh understanding of all of it.

Here's the idea, in a nutshell: <strong>There are several perfectly valid ways to demonstrate love. Each of us responds most strongly to one specific expression of love. That's our main love language.</strong> When we get regular, sufficient amounts of love expressed in the particular way that resonates with us, Dr. Chapman says our "love tanks" are full, and we can weather just about anything in life and in our relationship.

The problem is, the people who love us (for instance, our spouse), often don't share our primary love language. And we tend to express love in the same way we'd like to receive it—it's like buying people the type of gifts we'd really like to receive. As a result, many loving people are speaking the wrong love language to their partner, who isn't feeling that love.

(This problem, as it turns out, was at the very core of my failed first marriage, although I had no idea at the time. I ran on an empty love tank for a decade. I'm sure my ex-husband did, too.)
<h4>I need more of what money can't buy</h4>
Here's why I wish I could trade in my love languages. My primary one is "<strong>Quality Time</strong>." My secondary love language is "<strong>Physical Affection</strong>." Without a doubt, they're the two that require the greatest amount of focused time, the very thing life seems so short on these days.

For some context, the other love languages, in order of their importance to me, are <strong>Acts of Service</strong>, <strong>Words of Affirmation</strong>, and <strong>Gifts</strong>. All three are really great things, but they just aren't my magic.

<strong>If any one of those <em>did</em> accomplish the trick of filling up my love tank, I'd be set. I could have a full tank <em>and</em></strong> be plowing through my deadlines, without missing a beat. Think about it. Tonight, while I was busy preparing for the copywriting seminar I'm teaching on Wednesday, Jason was cleaning up the entire kitchen on his own (even though we cooked dinner together and would typically have shared the cleanup). I'm not saying I wasn't enormously grateful—Acts of Service just isn't my love language.

Think about Gifts. What if my love tank could be filled just by Jason stopping at the store on his way home from work to pick up some of my favorite chocolate? A five-minute detour, and he would be done for the night while I happily spent the evening tackling some work. Or what if a few kind, encouraging words did the trick (Words of Affirmation)? Jason has said quite a few really nice things to me tonight. <strong>While those words make me feel extra happy, they don't make me feel deeply loved.</strong> Do you know what I mean?

Unfortunately, to feel deeply loved, I need Jason's undevoted time and attention. <strong>I need him to talk to me and listen, to laugh and problem-solve—to be a sounding board and a confidant. And those things take time, plain and simple.</strong> Not multi-tasking time. Not half-focused-on-something-else time. They take set-everything-else-aside time.

I realize, though, that those love languages are a core part of who I am, and who Jason fell in love with. And as Jason pointed out, as least our love languages compliment each other nicely, rather than work against each other. His primary language is Words of Affirmation, which is something that naturally pours out of time spent together talking. If he was craving Acts of Service, then I'd always be off somewhere doing nice things for him, which would make spending time together even trickier. <strong>At least we can kill both our love languages with one stone, so to speak.</strong>

It also helps that we both share the same secondary language, Physical Contact. But you don't need any of these details, so I think I'll just leave it at that.