I see what you are saying, and I love the part about it being "penciled-in" instead of written in stone.  At the same time, I am wondering if you and your ex didn't pave the way for Q to become this new, more assertive academic leader because of the fact that you allowed her to be who she was when that DIDN'T seem to be who she was?  Does that make sense? Maybe if you'd tried to impose that persona onto her, she would've resisted and never grown into it.

So, maybe it surprises YOU, and makes you recalibrate your assumptions about who she is, but it may be your very unconditionally-loving approach that allowed the transformation.

I hope I'm making sense...if this sounds in any way critical, then I'm not coming across like I intend.  This is supposed to be a big affirmation of your parenting!!!