photo ross today days years throes unhappiest time life occurred knowing worse makes feel untethered reality disconnected emotions mind body planets unable connect remember evening realization ex-husband months earlier moved central illinois teaching university wrapped colleagues grad students exhibits visiting artists working part-time copywriter editor firm left feeling flat unfulfilled winter coming devastation fresh busy small children home essentially friendless evening suddenly struck evening husband needed break leave manage evening routine kids moment realized idea wanted needed fairy godmother appeared ready magically make happen knew idea week mexico friend fully funded shopping spree life marriage turn back clocks turn ahead idea flaws possibility left feeling wanting unfulfilled part pacing unable find comfortable spot settle degrees knowing trigger sensation past week exhausting jason town single parent mode girls days school threw work routine whack seder hosted gaggle nine-year-old girls birthday party house guests weekend throwing non-stop frenzy cooking clean-up yesterday suddenly immerse year's significant christian holiday arrived church feeling marathon trained stretched back mind desperately holding moment monday morning leave house quiet time thrown state knowing today's sense knowing dramatic desperate experienced past questions life answered jason girls home writing renewed understanding god's love wandering untethered feeling back friend write client project tackle work completely click heels instantly feel mild case immediately reminded moment life realized frightening triggering sensation eating food caused miserable bout food poisoning past memory wave nausea wash desperately knowing cling work hang hope desires plans shifting mid-course wondering force embrace wanting talk talk young child excited food activity initially wanted spend floating current knowing waiting 