Joan, I hear what you're saying about how "it is nearly impossible for people to really know what they are made of and how able/ready they are to commit to a lifelong marriage no matter what until the chips are down." Clearly I've been through a really difficult time in my life with my divorce, but I haven't gone through something traumatic *with* a spouse—I can't imagine how that would play out. What I do know, though, is that asking the sort of questions I've posed in my blog helps me think through important aspects of compatibility (beyond whether we like the same kind of music and vote for the same political party, which is how I evaluated compatibility at 20). I also know that now being married to someone I'm very compatible with on that level makes going through stressful and difficult times together much easier.

Passionista, I'm glad you're evaluating! That's something I was too afraid to really do when I was dating my first husband. I took the ignorance is bliss approach. Regarding finding yourself, I know I haven't really "found" myself yet, either. It's a lifelong journey, not a place you suddenly arrive at one day. I guess by saying "make sure you know yourself," I should have added "as best as you can in that moment." If we waited to fully know ourselves no one would ever get married!

A, that's a great point about arranged marriages. I'm sure there are some amazing matches that just magically fall into place, but in the big picture, expectations must play a huge role. So arranged marriages often "work" beautifully, but for different reasons and on a different scale than I might be using to evaluate my marriage.

Juliana, yes! What do I need when I'm stressed, etc. As a child, I became very accustomed to how my mom responded. She's great at taking the time to really listen and empathize, although at the time I didn't put that together—she was just my mom. That's still what I need today, someone to just be with me, listen to me, and communicate that they get how I'm feeling. I don't need someone to solve all of my problems, and I certainly don't need someone to leave me alone. (Not only did I never articulate this to my first husband, but I'm not sure he was "wired" to respond in the way I needed.)