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Last week my ex-husband and I went to parent-teacher conferences for our sixth-grader, Q. By now, after years of hearing teachers describe our child, we pretty much know what to expect: She's bright as well as kind, helpful, and respectful—the at-school version of herself that we don't see quite enough evidence of at home.

But at our first middle school conference, we were surprised by a comment made by each of the four teachers we met: Q is self-assured and actively engaged in class. She freely offers answers, ideas and questions. She is emerging as an academic leader.

This surprised us because throughout elementary school, the single "complaint" teachers had of Q was that she wasn't raising her hand or speaking out. She wasn't the least bit shy in the lunchroom or on the playground, but she seemed shy and unsure of herself in class, even though teachers knew she had much to add to the discussion and the learning.

<strong>As Q's mom, what I find most interesting about this is how quick we were a few years back to just accept "this is how she is"</strong>—socially outgoing but unwilling to be in the spotlight when it comes to performing, in the classroom or on stage. It didn't occur to me to ask her sixth grade teachers about class participation, because I assumed I already knew the answer. When they offered the information, as one of their favorite things about having Q in class, we were stunned.
<h4>Total acceptance that doesn't lock anyone in</h4>
Here's the tricky parenting balance: <strong>We want to demonstrate to our kids that we accept and love them for who they are</strong> (and we definitely <em>should</em> do this). I've known many people over the years who clearly heard their parents telling them that they should be someone else, even if they never actually *told* them in so many words.

But in the process of saying "I love you just the way you are," we need to be careful to not let all that affirmation put them in a box. <strong>Is it possible that we stifle them in the process of unconditionally loving them?</strong>
<h4>I was the unaffectionate child</h4>
My mom used to tell me stories about my toddler disposition. Rather than being warm, trusting and affectionate, I found most adults I didn't know well highly suspicious. If they instantly wanted to hug me and lift me into their lap, I balked. My mom responded in the right way, I think; she told people (even my own grandmother visiting from California) to give me some space and let me warm up to them in my own way, when I was ready. <strong>Just think—by the very young age of two I had already developed a reputation for being standoffish!</strong>

When Q was a baby, I noticed some of the same tendencies in her, and was quick to explain it to myself and others as "just the way we are." After Q's very cuddly, affectionate baby sister was born, though, Q began to change. She watched baby sister sitting on laps, snuggling in, and being rocked before bed (things Q had never enjoyed the first two or three years of her life), and she decided "I'm gonna get ME some of that!" And she did. <strong>The person I thought she was hard-wired to be changed before my eyes. And years later, the "new" her has stuck.
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Meanwhile, what about me? <strong>As it turns out, I was internally starving for a type of physical affection that I had always assumed wasn't my style.</strong> I'm sure that misconception played itself out in complicated ways in my first marriage. Now, two years into my new marriage, physical closeness is the super glue.
<h4>Be accepting, but don't carve it in stone</h4>
So here's what I'm thinking: It's good to be accepting of our kids, spouses and ourselves, and to not try to change everyone. But that <strong>acceptance should be penciled in, not written in ink and certainly not carved into stone. When we carve a personality trait into stone, we don't leave room for new possibilities. It can also be an enabling device—an easy way to make excuses for ourselves or others.</strong>

Can you see how you've been impacted by someone being too controlling or two accepting? Have you written out too much of your own character in permanent ink? Do you see yourself falling into that pattern with others?