Okay, so I'm jumping in here much too late to be of any use, but I'm new to Kristin's blog and was especially drawn to this post, and that's my excuse for adding my two cents!

I was raised as a conservative Catholic, educated at Catholic institutions, and taught that premarital sex was a no-no.  Here's the thing: I'm hearing that many of you who are politely disagreeing with Kristin would like to teach your children to abstain before marriage, yet still leave them feeling proud of their sexuality and full of the warm fuzzies about how they were raised.  While that sounds nice, I'm not convinced it's possible.

To say that you're proud of your sexuality is to say that sexual urges are natural and good and are there for a reason.  To maintain this and then to tell your children that consummating these urges outside marraige is disrespectful of the body and of other people is wildly confusing.  Beliefs such as these may keep your children virgins through a number of superficial or fleeting romances.  But once they are convinced they've found someone special, once they feel that they have a mutual, earth-shaking love, it will be hard for them to believe that anything they do to express love is hurtful, disrespectful, or wrong.  They may not see how formal marriage vows would make a difference, especially if they're in long-lasting, cohabiting relationships.  I can't say I blame them.  Marriage or no marriage, sex can be used to hurt or heal, and people who hurt will do so with or without the use of sex.  Being a virgin does not shield any of us from the wounds of bad love. 

Good, bad, or indifferent, the Church does overemphasize virginity, especially for young women (when was the last time you heard the tagline "virgin and martyr" used for a male saint?).  When girls are virgins, they are taught to hold their heads high--when they fall, or show themselves to be imperfect, they inevitably then feel shame (there's that word again), as if they've lost something that made them special, that they've given something away that should be mourned.  Is it really better for our daughters to be virgins with egos or non-virgins with complexes than to feel that sex can have a place outside marriage?  By overemphasizing sexuality teachings (to the extreme neglect of some others), the Church often sets girls up to feel shameful when they have acted against these teachings.  This is sad enough, but perhaps not as disturbing as what follows: soon enough, girls get tired of feeling bad about themselves, say, "to hell with, I'm going to love myself anyway," associate their bad feelings with the Church, and then LEAVE the faith entirely because it has never made them to feel good about the choices they make regarding loving others.  How counterproductive.

I understand that it is much easier for me to say these things now that I have left the Church and can think outside of the framework of those beliefs.  I don't want to upset anyone, but perhaps I can help you to think about how your teachings might be understood and felt by your children.  It's a new world with the same old problems--it may be time for us to change our way of thinking.