Feels impossible today. I used to think I was "good at" forgiving. Ha! Now I know I just hadn't been hurt in a way that made me feel powerless to restore what was taken from me. Even the ways my parents failed/hurt me were not this devastating; I could and have mostly grown up and away from them, as well as the pain they inflicted. But how is it possible to forgive someone when you are drowning in the pain caused by them? I don't know if it is. I simply DON'T BELIEVE that a Rwandan woman who was raped and her child was killed could "forgive" the perpetrator in the abstract way this special  court system affords. I have trouble believing she could ever really forgive that man, period, in more than an intellectual sort of way (even then!?). 

I think it's also imperative to distinguish between FORGIVENESS and RECONCILIATION. I believe (by faith, mostly) that with God's help, forgiving even heinous, humanity-violating acts is possible. People say they've done it and who am I to challenge that? But forgiving does not necessitate reconciliation. The Bible makes it clear that God wants us to forgive one another. But going back for more is not "godly." I think this distinction is imperative and NOT distinguishing between forgiveness and reconciliation is a monstrous mistake that is made, especially in the church. How many women, in the name of forgiveness, have gone back to a "penitent" perpetrator, only to be hurt again, with the blessing of the church and the Christians in her life? I have forgiven my parents...or more accurately, I continue to live in the process of forgiving them, but that does not mean I let them speak into my life. I think the false doctrine of Forgiveness=Reconciliation requires victims to check their brains at the door, expose themselves to possible danger, and remain in the hold that the original offense placed them in. Forgiveness=Reconciliation often means the perpetrator holds their victim in a religiously-enforced prison...."you forgave me, so you aren't allowed to hurt anymore and if you do you better not make me feel bad." This so often takes the victim OUT OF the process of pain and takes them emotionally captive, stuck forever between the need to forgive (read: reconcile) and the truth of their feelings. This is of course a double-negative and requires the victim to repress/deny/emotionally die, or become the "bad guy"/unforgiving one by insisting their pain is real.

This topic is extremely close to home, as you can tell! ;)