Photo by Maja Dumat
I am busy. Too busy. It’s such a cliche that I hesitate to write about it, but the busyness is controlling my life right now. What else can I write about, with any honesty?
Running a one-woman freelance business means getting used to times of feast and famine—taking the good projects when you can get them, and storing away the extra profits like nuts for the winter, for those weeks when work is scarce. You really hate to say no to anything fun and interesting that pays what you charge. You figure you’ll burn the candle at both ends for a couple of weeks, and then be able to relax in the fruits of your labor.
There are definitely things I like about being busy. Being busy is a sign of success. It reminds me that I’m good at what I do, and I can make a living doing what I love. Being busy gives me a certain kind of high—I feel strong, capable, even invincible as I rush through the day, multitasking and making things happen. I’m efficient when I’m busy. I’m on.
Crossing the line between busy and too busy
The problem comes when I’m too busy, for too many weeks in a row. I’ve been riding the line of too-busy since before Christmas, and I hit the too-busy mark a full three weeks ago. I’m avoiding looking ahead, because I know I have another month of this, before I get some relief.
Which brings me to what I don’t like about being too busy.
I don’t like my impatience with projects and activities I usually love. I enjoy knitting, but knowing I have a hat to knit for a nephew that’s about to be born stresses me out. I enjoy volunteering at my kids’ activities, but I deeply regretted signing up to be a parent volunteer at theater rehearsal last night. Suddenly the thought that we have to plan and lead worship at church this Sunday puts me over the edge.
My blog feels like a burden, too. Usually I look forward to writing here—it’s my creative outlet, my therapy sessions and community, all wrapped into one. When life gets too busy, I start to doubt why I’m doing this, if it matters, if anyone cares.
I don’t like that the household begins to fall apart, and I get grouchy with the people I love most. I don’t like putting up a wall around myself, and telling my kids on their snow day that they can only talk to me on the hour. I don’t like telling them I can only help them with essential projects and needs—that I don’t have time to do something that’s just fun or frivolous. (You should have seen me trying to have “fun” doing a jigsaw puzzle with the girls the other night. I simply couldn’t relax.)
I don’t like how much I miss Jason. I miss our evenings together after the kids are in bed. We’re still together, but I’m working, which means we’re not talking. Our conversations have always been the core of our closeness. Yesterday we spent about 30 minutes talking, between the time he came home for work and the time he went to bed. Usually we talk for hours, about everything.
I don’t like how I end up shutting out all kinds of people who are important to me. I don’t make time to check in with a friend, to call and talk to my parents, or even to spend time on Twitter, interacting with the people who typically accompany me through my days. I am a person who feels love most through quality time, so when I can’t give quality time to others, I feel like they can’t sense my love.
Mostly, when I’m too busy, my sense of self begins to slip out of my grasp. All of things that really make life rich and full are put on the back burner, and I push through each day like a machine.
Finally, I’m too busy to proof this. I hope you’ll forgive me. (But I do feel better, now that I’ve written it.)
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, wow, Kristin. That make so much sense to me.
When I get caught up in “over-busy” I pay for in physical pain & fatigue that forces me to stop. I am seeing from what you write that healthier people pay too, in different ways. And those things apply to me, too–costs in terms of connection with people I love, serenity… joy. But either way, I get told that it’s too much, that I need balance.
And I don’t listen.
Lately, I’ve been trying to make more balance. Been trying to figure out what, of the million things I’m committed to, I really *really* care about. And it keeps coming back to two things: my family, and my ministry.
This does not bode well for the editing. Heh.
I’m curious to know how this busyness thing processes for you. What’s moving in you? Where is the spirit leading?
Love,
Angela
Really interesting post and I think we have all been there. What I am currently thinking about for the time management material I am writing is how can we learn when and where to draw the line before we commit ourselves to unhealthy periods of over-busyness. And, at what point must we go back and reconsider out commitments, lest we simply break? That over-busy pace can be maintained for a while (with a cost), but not forever. No easy answers there, but it’s fascinating to think about.
Hang in there and hope that you plan some great rewards and self-care for a month from now.
“My blog feels like a burden, too. Usually I look forward to writing here—it’s my creative outlet and my therapy sessions, wrapped into one. When life gets too busy, I start to doubt why I’m doing this, if it matters, if anyone cares.”
I feel very similar when I get busy and most days, I wonder why I even bother hitting that “publish” button on my own posts. I can understand the feeling of being machine-like, instead of human. We tend to sacrifice ourselves first in order to accommodate everyone and everything else, which might be selfless, but also means we burn out that much sooner.
I can’t make you any less busy, but if it helps – I think it matters and I care.
Ahhhhh! The curse of strivers everywhere – how busy is too busy?
I am the master of letting myself get too busy! I tend to thrive in the same ways you do on busyness, in fact I have a hard time with not being busy; I get down and mopey and uncomfortable if I don’t have something to DO. I’m working on it!
After a few years of being too busy (maybe a lifetime of it?), I’m really striving for balance in 2010. It’s my mantra! I’m trying to keep myself focused and invigorated through the “right” level of busyness, but also trying to really schedule days without additional plans beyond the obligations of work and motherhood (as if that’s not enough!). I’m really paying attention to my ENERGY and trying to make choices that feed it, not deplete it. For me, that seems like the key.
Recently, I’ve had two really “busy” and intense weeks with this week being a third. But, it’s the kind of intensity that makes me feel energized and competent and MORE me. I love it! My busyness peaks today this week and then tomorrow, I work from home. I’m planning an easier day with a walk and yoga in the middle. And some quality time with my kid in the afternoon.
Here’s to more balance in 2010, whatever that means for you!
Ah, we sometimes get caught up in being busy, and forget to remember. Does it make us feel important or somehow elevated, to tell ourselves that we’re busy? Here is something you might find useful.
I totally hear you. I’m in too-busy land right now and am paying for it,’cos my body’s telling me to slow down, by displaying signs of impending sickness. I persist quite well in doing the things I need to do like working out, but sometimes that means I get even busier than usual. I need to keep reminding myself that no one’s going to die because some of this stuff doesn’t get done TODAY. On that happy note, I think I’ll head out, go home and make myself a giant mug of tea, and drink it while watching the Food Network.
Angela, I can’t imagine dealing with pain like that—usually as a direct result of choices you make. But maybe, once you know how to care for yourself in a disciplined way, you’re more balanced in the end? It makes me think of how it felt to be home with a new baby those first couple of months, and how completely spent your body and emotions are. I learned to give up all the expectations about all I should be getting done, and just give in to sitting and nursing my baby. It was a difficult but rewarding discipline for me.
Thekla, I definitely know I’m not alone! And, of course, what it means to be busy or over-busy is completely subjective—it’s relative to whatever we’re used to and whatever is modeled around us. It sounds like you’re working on some really interesting ideas. Keep me posted!
Meredith, it means a lot that you said that—that you can relate to what I’m talking about regarding my blog, and that you find this space meaningful. I’m glad you keep hitting “publish,” too.
Nicola, I’m with you—I start feeling really down when I don’t have enough to do. But, then again, it was during one of those slow periods (summer 2007) that I decided to start my blog. That’s a perfect example of both why we need those wide open spaces in our lives from time to time, and also why we benefit from being people who can’t stand too much leisure time. Good luck as you strive for balance in 2010!
Roxanne, I really hope it didn’t come across like I was trying to sound important by writing this post! The state I’m in right now has really dominated my thoughts, and I believe in writing honestly about where I’m at. Rather than just writing about how busy I was, I tried to take the post to a more interesting level, examining what it is that *happens* to me when I get too busy—how and why I lose my sense of self. At any rate, I didn’t mean to offend or bore anyone by writing about such a worn out topic!
A, yes, our bodies have a way of keeping us in line, don’t they? And I’m convinced that stress is our body’s worst enemy. It sounds like you’re able to keep things in perspective, though. Good for you! (And I hear you about the need to keep going to the gym during these times! I need the exercise for my sanity, but it just hasn’t happened these past two weeks.)
Good news:
1. No errors that I noticed in this post. Quite an accomplishment!
2. Processing this with such depth and perception is awesome. I know it doesn’t feel like a good place right now, but to be able to see the details with such clarity is a good sign to me. I usually keep pushing myself until I fall apart and don’t realize what the heck just happened, ya know?
Hang in there and blessings to you as you try to figure out the right balance.
Oh, and I proof-read this comment and found TWO mistakes.
Oh good Lord woman. Did you take this post out of my heart and head? I’m right there with you. Let’s make a pact to slow down soon.
I know this feeling well. I think you justified your own reason for blogging there at the end when you said you felt better for writing. Your blog shouldn’t be a burden, but I think we all forget how much benefit we get from our blogging (I know I do sometimes). And I know plenty of us care about your writing.
Balancing life is hard, and I respect you for being concerned about it. I feel like my head is going to explode sometimes from how busy and wrapped up I get, and I don’t even have as many pieces to balance as you do. I guess you just have to decide how much you time you need to devote to your work to be successful, make the money you need to live and be fulfilled by it and then say no to anything beyond that. Of course, that’s easier said than done.
Ed, no errors? Maybe God gives special help to the overly stressed. :) Thanks for the encouragement and blessings. I’m trying to move from the “I don’t like this” whine to the “What don’t I like about this?” question.
Amy, sounds like a plan! I think our pact to slow down must start with a leisurely coffee together soon. Make sure you take care of yourself in the midst of taking care of everyone else, OK?
The Modern Gal, you’re absolutely right about the benefits of blogging. I’m much better at thinking out loud than in my head, but my friends and family can only take so much! Working out my ideas and problems by writing here is the next best thing. Thanks for listening, interacting and encouraging.
… Once I was so busy, I didn’t leave work in time when I knew I had food poisoning. I figured I could just wrap up one or two more things. Despite knowing my husband had already come down with it first and puked in public on his way to the subway.
I was not so lucky and puked at Broadway Lafayette, 2nd Avenue, and in Brooklyn. If you saw a woman last summer in a dress and heels on her hands and knees on the platform, and puking onto the tracks while watching for the train…
I’m sorry.
Susan, OK that’s hilarious, in an absurd sit-com sort of way. But when I think about it happening to a real person (YOU!) it’s about the most miserable thing I can imagine. I had something similar happen once when I was sick but tried to drive to St. Louis for work, anyway, but when you live in the Midwest these incidents can happen in the privacy of your car. :) (Not that that’s a good reason to live in the Midwest!)