Photo by NotionsCapital
Have you examined your “usuallys” and “shoulds”, lately?
I hadn’t, until yesterday. They’re easy to ignore.
The usuallys and shoulds of our lives are like that random vase you set on a shelf somewhere, thinking you’ll figure out where to put it “for good” later. Two years later, though, there it sits, in the same place. Now it’s blended in, a part of the scenery you pass through daily. If one day you’re dusting it with any clarity of thought, you might realize you never really intended for it to stay there. You might rethink it, and find a better place, a better use. But you might just figure it’s been like that long enough, it might as well stay.
“Usuallys” can distract and overwhelm us
Yesterday morning I started the week out in the worst way: feeling overwhelmed. My client deadlines are pressing in on me, and staying on top of this blog is one of those loving-yet-sometimes-burdensome tasks that’s always hovering over me. “I usually blog on Mondays,” I kept thinking, trying to figure out when I was going to squeeze it in.
Suddenly, I thought “So what? So what if I usually blog on Mondays and usually post three times a week? This week I might just post twice. Or I’ll post on different days. Whatever. It will be fine.”
There was never any question that it wouldn’t be fine—that somehow I have hit some magic blogging formula, and to break it would be to break my stride. It’s just that I fell into a certain way of doing things, a pattern. Without realizing it, that pattern had became imprinted on my brain.
How often do we do that? Probably a lot. Sometimes it’s with little, day-to-day habits. Other times it’s bigger: family traditions, social norms, and the decision-making process of organizations all have a way of becoming “usuallys” and “shoulds.”
“Shoulds” often involve other people & guilt
While I think of the “usuallys” as my own little habits and ruts, the “shoulds” are something bigger. Not only is guilt involved, but other people tend to be, too. The “shoulds” often represent what others expect of us, or at least what we think they expect of us.
I was pondering that larger issue as I read this blog post Monday afternoon. The post is by a mom who would really like other moms she knows to sign a “no-thank-you-note-pact” with her, so they can all be relieved of that particular expectation after kids’ birthday parties.
Personally, I happen to think it’s important to teach our kids about gratitude—both recognizing it within them and expressing it to others. But the post stirs up an opportunity to ask important questions like these: “Why, exactly, do we go through this (or any) ritual? Is it meaningful? Are we just going through the motions or are we saying something affirming and real about community? Are we really teaching our kids to express gratitude or are we teaching them that certain people will get all mad if we don’t sign our names to these generic cards and put it in the mail?”
Maybe by examining your usuallys and shoulds, you’ll shake things up a bit in your world. But who knows? Maybe in the end, after asking yourself all the right questions, you’ll decide to do pretty much what you were doing before.
But at least you’ll know why you’re doing it, and you’ll feel intentional about it—like you have some control over your life, rather than the other way around.
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Love it! After my husband’s illness, I started to get rid of the “shoulds” in my life and replaced them with my wants. Life is too short to worry about what the other moms are thinking (not that it never concerns me). It doesn’t drive me anymore. I love being in the driver’s seat and shedding the guilt … it feels great.
Hollee, isn’t it interesting how it often takes a trial of some sort to shake us out of our ruts? That’s one of the silver linings, I suppose. I’m thankful for every chance I get to think about what really matters to me/my family, and to shed the guilt that often goes with making choices.
Great post! I think it’s interesting that, as a teacher, I am constantly thinking about my purpose for doing things. It’s more clear cut; I should do this because the kids need to get from point a to point b and this is how I’m going to make that happen. But in the rest of my life, it’s not so clear cut. We often do things because we usually do them, not because we thought about why we are doing it and decided it was the best thing to do. Just taking a moment to pause and think about the usuallys and shoulds could make a big difference! Thanks for the reminder.
Once again, a great post that seems to sum up exactly what I was thinking as well. Especially now, I feel like I’ve been juggling so many “should’s” and “usuallys” that I feel guilty when one gets dropped in favor of another. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.
I love your suggestion to really consider why we do some of the things we do – so often, I find I’m the only one who cares about my shoulds and usuallys, that the guilt is all in my head. I think we need to give ourselves the opportunity to let go of some things and not feel like we have to do it all or else.
My son tells me that every time they think we have a “usually” in place I change it. I’m kind of like that:) As in we “usually” order pizza on Tuesday evenings. Lots of pressure to order pizza then, when sometimes I’d prefer to cook, or laze at the pool…just an example.
As far as should’s. I catch myself thinking “should” quite frequently. Then I think “should” according to whom/what standards. Others? Then perhaps I shouldn’t :)
Robin, you sound like the very best sort of teacher! But you’re absolutely right—life usually isn’t so clear cut. When we’re standing on point a, it’s often not even clear what point b IS, let alone how to get there. I guess that’s why it’s important to keep checking in with ourselves and asking the right questions as we move forward.
Meredith, there is clearly some wireless connection running between our brains. :) I can really relate to this: “…so often, I find I’m the only one who cares about my shoulds and usuallys, that the guilt is all in my head.”
Joy, kids sure add another dimension to this whole concept, don’t they? Traditions are so important to them, but it’s also important to make sure they’re open to change, whether it’s deliberate or last-minute and out of your control. It sounds like you’ve found a good balance (and that you’ve got a handle on the “shoulds,” too).