Illustration by Jason Berg
There have been many #lovelist highlights in the last week, and I’ll include some of them at the end of this post. First, though, I want to talk about a particular love list that was shared on my blog, and some of the thoughts it unearthed in me.
The list moved me on multiple levels, because it is my mom’s. Here’s part of it (the full list is in the comments section of this post):
Walks with our dog on a cool night with the moon coming in and out of the clouds and the crickets and tree frogs singing. I love figuring out how to fix a problem or brainstorming ideas. Cooking a delicious meal that someone enjoys. Walking thru a great yarn shop and dreaming of having time to knit again. Just watching and listening to our granddaughters interact, think, express love and to see their happiness. Teaching Sunday School classes and thinking of ways to do it well and watching the lights come on in my students. A good deep discussion.
Watching anyone you love claim what they love is a pure joy, but my mom’s selfless, giving spirit makes her love list even more meaningful for me. My mom is, without a doubt, the most tireless giver I know, both inside and outside of the home. As kids, my brother and I benefited in almost every possible way from having a mom like that. She always had time to listen to us, always found time to bake cookies and make delicious dinners, always pushed her own wants and needs aside to attend to ours.
You can’t live this way without sacrifice, though, and I think my mom’s love list points to just what she has so often given up in the process of caring for others. Sure, some of what she loves is wrapped up in loving others, and in those cases everyone wins. But much of her life, my mom has told me, has been driven by her desire to please others and do the things she thinks they want her to do, rather than the things she really wants to do.
Do you feel guilty when you claim what you love?
My own sense of guilt—particularly when I claim what I love and do something for myself—is an outgrowth of my mom’s selflessness. I have often struggled with the feeling that I’ll never be as good a mom as my mom, because I’m too selfish. Compared to my mom, at least.
But there’s also truth to the saying “If mama isn’t happy, nobody’s happy.” I get a lot of joy knowing my mom is taking back her life, and making time for the things she loves. It’s important for me to recognize how this makes me feel, and to translate that to my own daughters’ perceptions of me. Because just as I was really getting into this love list idea, I felt that characteristic twinge of guilt—that little voice saying It’s so selfish of you to spend so much energy focusing on what you love. (Am I the only one who thinks like that?)
Seeing my mom’s love list gave me good reason to squash that guilt monster. Not only is my mom better off for focusing on what she loves, everyone around her is, too. So claim what you love without guilt.
A #lovelist update:
- Four bloggers I know wrote great posts about the Love List Project: Lesley at Barefoot on 45th, Jules at The Wonderer, Katie at Salvaged Faith, and Lance at The Jungle of Life. I’ve loved reading their thoughts and seeing some of their readers end up here! (If you plan to write a post on your blog and link here, let me know if you’d like me to email the graphic.)
- Here are a few of my #lovelist additions from the past week: walking to the farmers’ market is such a great expression of being part of a community, from seeing people I know to buying local; I love walking my youngest daughter to school, esp on crisp morns. halfway up the block she always slips her warm hand into mine; I love having in-laws I can truly be myself around, who love and accept me for who I am; I love creating a safe space—a friendship, blog, dining room table—where others can open up.
- The #lovelist hashtag on Twitter is attracting new people and contributions by the day—in fact, about 100 in the past week! It’s so inspiring. Here’s a sampling of your #lovelist additions:
- The sense of satisfaction you get when you dive into a book discussion with others who are just as passionate as you. @McMer314
- I think I relate to fall spiritually firey colors, a time of harvest and gatherings. These make my soul leap. @MoJoJules
- I love relationships where you feel safe enough to say whatever is on your mind or not say anything at all. @lizdyer
- I love moments in life like when u pull cheese out & it appears moldy & disgusting, but upon inspection is Stilton and delicious! @scheidel
- I love knowing my coffee house is run by one of the most descent, goodhearted people I know. Makes my coffee taste even better. @delightedscribb
- I love laughing so hard with a close friend that I cry. @workhappynow
- I love watching someone’s face when they light up to talk about something they are both expert in and passionate about. @thekla_richter
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I am backlogged on my reading, but had to check out your recent posts….so glad I did.
1. You are not the only one who thinks that way.
2. Being a mama is hard.
3. Being a mama is important, and fulfilling and fun
4. Being a mama does not mean you are not other things. Seize who you are and show those girls what mamas can do. Anything!
J
One of the challenges of parenting is doing things for ourselves… and yet, it is also one of the most important as not only is it nurturing us so we can be our best but it is teaching our kids to nurture themselves too!!
I posted on the Love List today – and here are the five I posted:
I love opening the door of my home in the evening – that first feeling that washes through me of relaxation. I can put everything down and settle in, if only for a moment.
I love the warmth of my daughter’s hand in mine – the curl of her fingers and the warmth of her skin. It matters not what is happening in our lives as hand in hand, we work through them together.
I love the first bite of a tree ripened peach. The juice wetting my lips and chin and the fruit seems to truly melt in my mouth. It is a taste of the sweetest part of summer.
I love sliding into a freshly made bed and pulling up the patchwork quilt on a cool night – the night warm enough to have the windows open but cool enough to require the warmth of the hand sewn quilt.
I love the weight of the cat curled at my feet – my toes wiggling beneath the warmth. His sleep assuring me that all is right in my world.
What a great idea. I’m sure it will continue to catch on. I need to do some back-reading and catch up to where you are with this, but I love it – and I could see your mom walking through that yarn store – all the colors, all the projects. I want more time, too.
If I’m worried about being selfish when taking the time for myself, I sometimes try to think about it from a different perspective. If I don’t focus on what I love for part of the time, I’ll get cranky and tired. That will then affect how I interact with other people, which will change the dynamic of the interaction.
Taking the time to be a little selfish sometimes means that when it’s time to be selfless, I’m more likely to put my whole heart in, knowing that I have that balance in my life.
It sounds a little like spinning the story, I know, but I do think there’s some truth in it.
Sometimes I do feel a little bit selfish claiming the things I love. Especially when you are married and the things you love will mean that things in your home have to change.
But then I think, maybe it’s really better for both of us if these changes happen!
oh – and I posted over on my blog about one of my lovelist items too!
You are certainly not alone Kristen when it comes to the questioning. The questioning has validity in that it can give us balance. Have enjoyed seeing the expansion of this idea, and the specific loves all have shared.
I love shared giggles with a girlfriend, for the deep connection we enjoy. I love to feel the sun on my skin, or simply view it’s glory as it’s broken into a rainbow via my window crystal. I love the scent of Fall, the crisp leaves as they crunch underfoot, the contrast of golden hued trees against azure skies. The thump of my dogs wagging tail as I near. The scent of slathered on lotion. The antiicapation of a family gathering over the weekend.
I love that I could go on, but dont feel the need to.
I don’t think that claiming the things that you love is selfish. Claiming those things is not the same as insisting on having them all the time. I love the one of a kind experience of a Hawaiian sunset, but I don’t expect to watch one every night. Still, my love of the sunset, even if it’s been a while since I’ve seen it, is still a part of who I am.
I love this, Kristin. I began motherhood very young, and even with 5 kids I’ll be younger than 50 when they’re all adults. I used to look forward to middle age as the time when I’d really do the things I want and love to do, but then realized that that mindset put my kids at odds with my sense of self. I don’t want to be wishing their childhoods away so I can find some time for myself–I’d rather find a way to be the mom I want to be without completely setting myself aside. Personally I’d like to reclaim the word “selfish”, because I think that self-preservation alongside selflessness is a healthy thing to model for kids. Plus, there are no guarantees I’ll live to see 50. My children are so much to me, but they simply can’t be every thing in order for me to be a whole person.
Jennifer, isn’t it amazing how good it feels to just hear someone else say “being a mama is hard”? It magically makes it a tiny bit easier. And YES to this: “Seize who you are and show those girls what mamas can do. Anything!”
The Exception, that’s a great point—that we are teaching our kids, by example, how to nurture themselves. Even better if they can learn to do that guilt-free! Your love list is absolutely lovely. I know this isn’t the point, but I can relate to everything you’ve included. :) Thanks for sharing it with the rest of us.
jenx67, are there people out there who *don’t* want more time in their lives? :) So…first we need to figure out how to section off some #lovelist time every day or week, then we need to be ready to use that time in ways that fulfill us and make us more of who we are. Let’s start with an easy goal: 2 hours this weekend. Are you in?
Meredith, your mind works a lot like mine does! You are spinning a story, but it’s a true one. If we don’t take care of ourselves first, we’ll have a hard time being present for others. (It’s like that oxygen mask rule on airplanes!)
Katie, I think your husband’s ability to benefit from your benefits is a really healthy sign (and it goes both ways, of course). Not only does it bode well for a happier home and marriage right now, it says a lot about how you will be able to grow together and offer mutual support as you inevitably change as individuals. If kids ever become a part of your family, they will benefit, too! (I’m loving your blog posts, btw.)
“Like oxygen masks on an airplane.” That should have been something Moses carried down.
KT, you know that for every one that is posting, there are probably many others that are doing this on their own. I love that one individual can positively impact (and cause positive changes) in so many people – simply through the “these are my thoughts, what do you think?” writings that you have done in the past and that your #lovelist is doing now.
I love that it doesn’t take Washington, the IOC, or a vote . . . it takes one person to put that first foot forward — this time it is your foot.
Oh, and I love that people we normally call simply “Mom” and “Dad” are the foundations to make our steps happen – a tip of the hat to Mom-KT.
I love driving along the highway and seeing all the trees in their Autumn glory
I love putting a smile on my kid’s face
I love knowing that an abandoned dog has found a good home
I love the feeling of being paid to do something that I love
I love to put a smile on anyone’s face
there’s just too much to love.
What a great post
Kristin,
Your love list idea is so inspiring. I am visiting you through the Jungle Of Life site, and it was so heartwarming to read what everyone loves. Lots of good energy:)
I think you were blessed to have such a Mom. I identify with your mom completely. Lots on my love list are things I enjoy–such as cooking–but absolutely love when it pleases someone else. Often my goal in life is to put a smile on another’s face, and that is the ultimate happiness for me. Genuinely. I have a lot of balance in life so often take time for myself or to indulge in things that solely make my heart happy. But the best for me is to watch my light shine through someone else. I want my children to grow up knowing I love them wholeheartedly, and my friends and loved ones to know how special they are, and I think the best way to show that is to exclusively do things that make them happy even if it involves sacrifice on my part.
Thank you for an inspirational idea. I can’t wait to watch my love list blossom, and to introduce it to my young children to make their own.
Hi Kristin,
It’s so good to be here today, and to think about love, and what it means. Over the last couple of weeks, and with the thoughts of love – all stemming from your original post – has made me think much deeper about what this all means for me. And I’ve come to see that when I truly do feel love for something or someone, it takes me to a place of peace within. Sometimes that place of peace is very much a calm place. And other times, it can be much more of a “silly” or “energetic” peace. The bottom line, for me, though is this thought of peace. That, at some level, I experience a deeper peace within. And that’s a very good place to be.
And one that I don’t think is selfish or wrong – because we’re better when we’re more connected to who we truly are – and that stems from this place of love. So – have I felt guilty before for loving something? Sure. And I think for me, part of that is as a parent, and am I neglecting my kids by loving something, in the moment, other than them? If I think more broadly, though, that’s a good thing – because I come back to them, or to whatever, refreshed and filled with love and goodness – which is, again, a good place for me to be.
Kristin, thank you for continuing the discussion here…
I am so glad I found out about this project through Jules. I am beginning my own #lovelist… look forward to exploring this! Thank you!
http://bridgeout.wordpress.com/2009/10/03/joining-the-love-list/
Hi, I did join in, but I guess I forgot to let you know. (:
http://www.ichoosebliss.net/2009/09/love-list-project.html
Trina, you’re right—at least when we question these things it demonstrates an awareness and helps maintain a healthy balance. Thanks for sharing some of your love list with us!
Mama Zen, that’s a really great point, that also has a lot to do with balance: “Claiming those things is not the same as insisting on having them all the time.”
Meagan, I think that attitude—I’ll get back to living my own life when my kids have grown up—is fairly common among mothers. But you’re exactly right: “that mindset put my kids at odds with my sense of self.” I also agree that kids need to see self preservation modeled by us. It’s an important part of teaching our kids to respect other individuals and to stick up for themselves.
Dave, just imagining all the people out there claiming what they love is really inspiring. I feel like I see so much restlessness and unhappiness around me—so many people longing for something they don’t know how to find or do anything about. If all of this sharing and honesty can give more people hope and fulfillment, I will be ridiculously thrilled.
Jessica, I can really relate to some of your love list items. Thanks for sharing them with all of us. (Also, I just wanted to let you know that you often put a smile on my face.)
Joy, welcome to Halfway to Normal! There is a lot of good energy, even more so now that part of Lance’s great community has joined us here. It’s great to hear your perspective on doing things for others, and also to know that while we should all have a desire to reach out to others, it’s OK for people to go about that in different ways, to different degrees.
Lance, yeah, that deep peace is pretty amazing, isn’t it? I think it really comes when I’m in harmony with who God created *me* to be, and I’m interacting with the world and others around me in a way that honors who I am.
bridgeout, I have loved watching a community of people come together around this idea, each finding their way here along a different path. Thanks for jumping in, and sharing your link.
Tabitha, great! Thanks for letting us know.