Photo by Scarleth White
I’ve been too busy for a lot of things, lately. Too busy to watch a movie without falling asleep. Too busy to go to the gym. Too busy for romantic, leisurely walks on the beach with Jason (well, there’s no beach on hand, but time is the bigger hurdle, it seems).
I’m no fool. I’ve been divorced. I know you have to make time for love. I just wish my main love language—Quality Time—didn’t demand so much focused attention and, well, time. If I could, I would gladly trade it in for a lower-maintenance, higher-efficiency option.
What this love language idea is all about
The love languages concept, if you’re not familiar with it, comes from the book by Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. If you think the term “love languages” sounds a bit cheesy, wait until you see the book cover and website (they inspired the photo I chose for my post). Actually, wait until you read the book. It’s written in a style that I can hardly stomach—the entire time I was reading it, I was doing a simultaneous re-write in my mind.
You should read it, though. Not because I want you to suffer through the literary experience, but because I’m convinced the concept at the heart of the book is brilliant. It’s a concept I think everyone should be aware of, whether you’re married or not, because it helps you understand some really deeply-rooted things about yourself—your childhood, your parents, their relationship, how you deal with love as an adult. It gives you a fresh understanding of all of it.
Here’s the idea, in a nutshell: There are several perfectly valid ways to demonstrate love. Each of us responds most strongly to one specific expression of love. That’s our main love language. When we get regular, sufficient amounts of love expressed in the particular way that resonates with us, Dr. Chapman says our “love tanks” are full, and we can weather just about anything in life and in our relationship.
The problem is, the people who love us (for instance, our spouse), often don’t share our primary love language. And we tend to express love in the same way we’d like to receive it—it’s like buying people the type of gifts we’d really like to receive. As a result, many loving people are speaking the wrong love language to their partner, who isn’t feeling that love.
(This problem, as it turns out, was at the very core of my failed first marriage, although I had no idea at the time. I ran on an empty love tank for a decade. I’m sure my ex-husband did, too.)
I need more of what money can’t buy
Here’s why I wish I could trade in my love languages. My primary one is “Quality Time.” My secondary love language is “Physical Affection.” Without a doubt, they’re the two that require the greatest amount of focused time, the very thing life seems so short on these days.
For some context, the other love languages, in order of their importance to me, are Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, and Gifts. All three are really great things, but they just aren’t my magic.
If any one of those did accomplish the trick of filling up my love tank, I’d be set. I could have a full tank and be plowing through my deadlines, without missing a beat. Think about it. Tonight, while I was busy preparing for the copywriting seminar I’m teaching on Wednesday, Jason was cleaning up the entire kitchen on his own (even though we cooked dinner together and would typically have shared the cleanup). I’m not saying I wasn’t enormously grateful—Acts of Service just isn’t my love language.
Think about Gifts. What if my love tank could be filled just by Jason stopping at the store on his way home from work to pick up some of my favorite chocolate? A five-minute detour, and he would be done for the night while I happily spent the evening tackling some work. Or what if a few kind, encouraging words did the trick (Words of Affirmation)? Jason has said quite a few really nice things to me tonight. While those words make me feel extra happy, they don’t make me feel deeply loved. Do you know what I mean?
Unfortunately, to feel deeply loved, I need Jason’s undevoted time and attention. I need him to talk to me and listen, to laugh and problem-solve—to be a sounding board and a confidant. And those things take time, plain and simple. Not multi-tasking time. Not half-focused-on-something-else time. They take set-everything-else-aside time.
I realize, though, that those love languages are a core part of who I am, and who Jason fell in love with. And as Jason pointed out, as least our love languages compliment each other nicely, rather than work against each other. His primary language is Words of Affirmation, which is something that naturally pours out of time spent together talking. If he was craving Acts of Service, then I’d always be off somewhere doing nice things for him, which would make spending time together even trickier. At least we can kill both our love languages with one stone, so to speak.
It also helps that we both share the same secondary language, Physical Contact. But you don’t need any of these details, so I think I’ll just leave it at that.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I have actually been thinking about love languages the past several days, so this is a timely post. I, too, am a quality time/physical affection gal. Unfortunately, those two love languages are quite challenging when you live alone. I’ve had to learn that the quality time I have with God is more important than any time I spend with any human. And I’ve learned physical affection isn’t about intimacy, but sometimes a hug fom a friend or a pat on the back is just what is needed. It’s another reason community is so important.
Oh, very cool post. I need to read that book. My love language is also quality time/physical affection. Dave’s is, I think, acts of service (based on what he responds to, although I should ask him this)…. Do you think the quality time thing is gender-based?
Be careful, you might start a revolution among the GTD crew: “Efficient-ize your Relationships: Change your partner’s love language to “Gifts” :D
On, like, our second date Mark handed me the 5 love languages book (I felt the same way about it, brilliant and dull at the same time). He is a quality conversation/time person. I think I’m a physical touch person. It is so helpful to have this knowledge because it at least gives a couple a starting point for why the relationship isn’t clicking (“Ok, how is your love tank doing? Mine’s kinda low.”)
And I love Karen’s point that love tanks can truly be filled by more than just a “significant other”. So true.
I live nine blocks from the beach and I’m too busy, don’t feel bad.
I believe it’s all about stealing the moments when you have them. Despite living together and working together, my wife and I actually have few scant moments together where we’re not talking shop or childcare. Yet those moments that we do have, we make sure, are imbued with the five languages. Even though we didn’t know that’s what they were. : > )
This couldn’t have come at a better time. Ryan and I have been constantly talking about how we express that we like each other in a different way. It’s good to hear of others in the same position and what to do about it… thank you :)
Hi Kristin,
I agree with you 100%. Even though the book on Love Languages isn’t very well written, the basic premise is exceptionally insightful. Everyone I know who has taken it seriously concerning relationships (not just romantic relationships) has found it helpful in practical and insightful ways. I think there are a few more Love Languages than those Chapman designates — as you note and then hint — physical contact or touch is one and sexual expression is another that is not the same though related. It would be fun to have your readers brainstorm about what Love Languages are missing from the list you give from the book.
Thanks for yet another thoughtful posting. Blessings, Ron Simkins
My poor wife. Our love languages could not be more different. And just knowing it doesnt make me particularly adept at translating. It’s like Spanish…I can read it much better than I can speak it. Had we not found each other in 8th grade and, consequently, built the foundation we have, it’s very possible this difference could have caused a divide.
But I need to do better. Thanks for bringing it up KT.
Karen, I’m really glad you brought up the issue of love languages for people who live alone. There are so many ways to think about our need for love, and so many expressions of love. Often, particularly in our society, we get stuck in very typical, limited understandings of what love looks like.
Arathi, you should definitely read the book. Jason and I have had so many great discussions around the ideas in the book, even about our parents, our siblings and our kids. Looking at people in terms of how they feel love is really fascinating. Regarding the gender issue, my guess is that Quality Time is a primary love language for more women than men, but I do know several men who fall into that category, and there are examples in the book of others. It’s interesting, Jason really loves spending that kind of time together, it just isn’t one of the main things that makes him feel loved.
Marie, HA! That’s the last thing we need, more efficient-ized relationships! It might help stimulate the economy, though. My love languages, after all, don’t cost anything so they don’t circulate money through the economy (although we find plenty of excuses to go out for dinner or a drink, all in the name of Quality Time). And yes, I completely agree with what you said about having a “starting point,” and some language to use around how we’re feeling and what we need.
Writer Dad, don’t you love it when you find out there’s an official name or term for something you’ve been doing all along? If only you had written the book, right? I’m curious, do you think you and your wife have the same primary love languages?
Rebecca, what’s so interesting is the whole reverse love language phenomenon—how we tend to express love in the way we want to feel it rather than in the way the recipient needs it. In the book, the author describes a couple that was having all sorts of problems. She was trying to show her husband love by cooking him all kinds of elaborate meals. Her love language was Acts of Service (her father’s was too, and he had always felt very loved through her mom’s food). This woman’s husband, though, was a Quality Time guy, so while she was spending hours in the kitchen expressing her love, he just wanted her to make a simple dinner and spend more time with him sitting on the sofa. It’s easy to see why so many relationships can be so frustrating, isn’t it?
Ron, as I mentioned, the book definitely has transformed how I think about all of my relationships, even with my kids. And I love the idea of my readers sharing their ideas about which love languages might be missing from Dr. Chapman’s list. One that I might add is Advocacy, or something along those lines. I feel very loved when I know someone is looking out for my best interests, so I don’t have to.
Jeb, the great thing about working harder at speaking your wife’s love language, ideally, is that it will multiply and come back to you in YOUR language. When your so-called “love tank” is full, and your wife’s is full, it has the potential of turning into a crazy love fest that can’t be stopped. Not that we ever get it right like that all the time, but it’s worth a shot. :)
I had a good chuckle when I read your title, if only, eh? I have read that book too, there’s one for kids too – isnt that great :-}? I would hasten to add then, how much of ones love language is necessary to fill that ‘ol tank? How satisfied can one be with the amount their partner is able to give – course there’s the ‘give and you shall recieve’ aspect.
What a great post. I totally have this book on my bookshelf, and have read through part of it – thank goodness you mentioned you don’t like the writing style, that’s most likely the reason I put it down. Still, I’ve heard the love languages – and I know I express my love with Acts of Service. I am all about making my honey’s favorite dishes when I want to show him that I love him!
Trina, I’m glad you caught the humor! The more I thought about it, the funnier it became. I started thinking things like “Acts of Service could be a time-consuming love language, but at least things would be getting done around the house!” You ask a good question, too, about “how much” is needed to fill up a tank. I don’t know. Are all of our tanks different sizes? And how much should our main tanks be filled by people other than our spouse? A topic we could discuss for days, I’m sure. :)
Sam, so are you inspired to pick the book back up? When I mention this idea to people who haven’t read the book, they tend to immediately start talking about what language they *show* love in, rather than what language they (or their partner) *receive* love in. That’s the key. And that’s why I try not to just have one blanket expression of love as a parent of three kids—they don’t all respond to the same things or need the same things. Anyway, let me know if you finish the book! I find the whole concept endlessly interesting.
Oh, I couldn’t agree more. I want to trade mine in, too. My primary is ACTS of SERVICE. Blehhhhhhhhhhhhh. Great post, KT. You always make me connect with a deeper part of myself that needs a good dusting.
Plus the requirement for gifts could sure be a burden in these times – though creative/free gifts could then turn into act of service – oh the confusion! I guess the size of the tank would depend on the happiness of the person…just a thought there. Certainly seeking a tank filling elsewhere kinda/sorta goes against the whole relationship aspect of the book…. just sayin’ :-) Then, that could circle back to ones own ability to maintain their happiness, which may be easier on the relationship – right about now, I would say we could discuss this for days like you mentioned :-)
jenx67, what a perfect use of the word “Blehhhhh!” Love it! I can see how Acts of Service could seem like a lame love language. Maybe it’s like the whole curly hair/straight hair phenomenon—the one you *don’t* have is always going to be the one that looks more appealing. :)
Trina, yes, clearly you and I could discuss this for days! Regarding the size of people’s love tanks, I have this feeling that some people have extra big tanks, like big trucks do; some burn through a full tank faster than others, who utilize that fuel more efficiently; and some need a full-on tuneup more desperately than others. (I’ll stop now. I do believe I’ve taken the car analogy far enough.)
What an interesting concept, and you’ve explained it so well that I probably don’t need to go through the pain of reading the book :)
It’s a simple idea, but now that I’m thinking about it, I realize it truly does explain so many relationship dynamics. Like you, I’m really big on quality time, and have been lucky on that front. It’s interesting to think about how our love dynamics with parents may have influenced our love languages…
Zoe, I’m glad I could save you from reading the book. :) Actually, there’s a lot more to it, of course, but it’s fun to start thinking about it, even on a basic level. Let me know if you have any big revelations!