Photo by Patrick Kiteley
It’s suddenly dawning on me: the Status Update is a strange, strange animal. (Am I late getting to this party?)
The strangeness is not necessarily on the surface of each individual status update on Facebook or Twitter. For the most part, I really enjoy getting this glimpse into the daily lives of my far-flung friends. (If I didn’t enjoy it, being on Facebook and Twitter would drive me mad.)
What’s strange is the way status updates make me reflect on what’s really happening in my life, and how they leave me wondering what’s really going on in the lives of others.
Like with every communication, status updates are partly about what’s being said, and partly about what’s NOT being said—what a person chooses to include and leave out, and what’s really behind these choices we consciously or subconsciously make.
There’s been some pretty funny chatter on Twitter recently—sparked by my good friend @ChuckWestbrook —about the ridiculousness of a certain brand of Facebook status update. Chuck calls them “faux-casual status updates proving how awesome your life is.” Here’s an example he gave:
The thinly veiled brag on fitness, “Feeling lazy for not running. Going to be hard to break the 3 hour mark in the marathon next month.”
It’s like the famous job interview question: What is your biggest fault? The answer, of course, is that you’re a workaholic, or you’re too detail-oriented, or you’re good at so many things it’s hard to know where to direct your amazing skills. In other words, it’s a way to say something wonderful about yourself while toning down the brag factor. News flash: it’s even more annoying than blatant bragging.
We do have exciting things going on in our lives, though—things we are proud of and have every right to be. Is there an acceptable way to share them with our so-called friends? (Maybe this is the problem—we’ve opened our arms too wide on Facebook and Twitter, and our communities have become too large for that necessary sense of mutual trust and affection. But that’s a whole new post for another day.)
Your status updates are actually about everyone else (sort of)
This is where the other layer of strangeness comes into the whole status update phenomena: Status updates do, in fact, unwittingly involve others, even though they’re meant to be simple reflections of an isolated self.
I’ve found it’s almost impossible to just say what I’m actually doing or thinking and leave it at that. I tend to wonder how it will be read and taken in by everyone else. And when it’s all said and done, and all of my status updates are strung together, I have to wonder what kind of self-portrait I’m painting. Is it accurate? Is it depressing? Is it annoying? Does it look anything like my real self living my real life?
I do try. And sometimes trying hard means just the opposite—letting go. Last night, I let go and tweeted this:
tonight: seriously messed up sinuses & blood sugar. also overwhelmed by tax info gathering, stressful late night music rehearsal & fatigue.
Then I worried, caught myself, and tweeted this:
also: regretting being such a downer. I have a lot to be grateful for.
It’s all true. In the first tweet, I’m trying to be as real as I can in 140 characters. I don’t want to tweet only when my life is humming along perfectly. The truth is, I haven’t felt this overwhelmed in many months. I feel like I’m barely one step in front of dozens of deadlines, like a criminal who’s living life one step ahead of the law. I wake up each morning aware of a certain undeniable heaviness.
It’s also true, that when I’m feeling sorry for myself, I tend to immediately think of all that I have. Jason and I have jobs. We have a home we can afford. We’re healthy, and so are our kids (aside from a headache here and a bit of strep there). I don’t want my relatively small problems to come across as whiny and disrespectful to people who have real problems looming, like foreclosure or cancer treatments.
Striving to keep it real (can that be my schtick?)
On Twitter, there seems to be two common approaches to life’s struggles: Either your schtick is being the King/Queen of Positive Thinking and you NEVER acknowledge anything negative, or you use every negative aspect of your life as key comedic ingredients in your endlessly entertaining tweets.
I’m not good at either approach (even though I sort of enjoy reading people who can pull off the second one much more than I enjoy reading people who attempt the first). If I tried them, they would just be “approaches,” not reflections of my true self. My halfway-to-normal self, in the end, is all I have to offer.
Luckily, there are always good people who want nothing more from anyone than that.
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Your halfway to normal self is just fine with me, girlfriend. I often wonder about the largeness of our “small” world. People I don’t know knowing things about me I didn’t know I was revealing. And yet, it is liberating. And fun, in a weird way.
Great, timely topic that I’ve thought about a lot myself. I frequently catch myself revising my updates and tweets before I post so they’re more positive and less snarky, but I also want them to be real. And real isn’t always happy or easy. Real is sometimes irritated, annoyed, or frustrated. And I’m always aware (too aware, perhaps) of the audience. Ex boyfriend’s friends and friends’ moms on facebook means I don’t get too personal. I think I’m much freer with my thoughts on twitter. Is there a different for you?
When my waxer lit into me on Saturday about why I don’t have a boyfriend (could I be in any more of an awkward position? literally.), I decided NOT to tweet about it – hesitant to fall into the “my life as comedy” trap. Thought about it though, I’m always looking for a laugh :)
First, you once again have elegantly turned a random (at least in my head) bunch of thoughts into a concise and organized piece of writing. Brilliant.
Second, I have struggled with this issue. What do I say? What do I leave out? Who might be offended? What is my purpose for posting? Do I want to just post what I am doing, how I am feeling, etc. OR should I post something hoping to generate feedback and create meaningful discussion? Why shouldn’t those be the same? Am I that boring or self focused?
Once again I find myself rambling with no particular goal. Maybe that is what I left unspoken in my status updates. “Here is Patrick, he rambles, he does things, but for no apparent reason.” Yes, that is indeed my common theme.
Nuff said. I enjoy your blogs and your status updates, so whatever that’s worth, keep them up.
New reader/lurker…
It is a balancing act for sure. It is difficult to measure your struggles which are real and important to you against what others are going through. On the other had it is difficult not to compare yourself to those who seem to have it all together and seem to have wonderful husbands, intelligent well-behaved children, and no worries financial, spiritual or otherwise.
Can I say, “What a great post,” one more time?
I don’t like Facebook. People who stopped talking to me 15 years ago now want to no why I got divorced 10 years ago. Go away. I do, however, LOVE reconnecting with people from high school. Those salt-of-the-earth Kansans.
I do love Twitter. I tweeted once: Facebook wants to eat your babies. Twitter is for the inteligencia. I’m cruel like that. =0
I do wish we could meet for that cup of coffee, Kristin. One day.
Sometimes I’ll vent on Twitter and then wonder if i overdid it. It’s a little easier on Plurk, where the conversations post together, to keep things balanced and in perspective.
Great post! (Echo much?) I’ve also wondered if I’ve Tweeted something that sounds too morose, but I realize that’s my way of getting stuff out and if I don’t, it’ll fester. I try to also post things that aren’t so angry/depressing because like you, I immediately remind myself of what I have and what I’m thankful for.
Jennifer, I think one of the things I loved about you from the moment I met you was how openly accepting you are of people being exactly who they are. (And yes, I agree it’s oddly liberating to reveal important parts of who we are with people we hardly know.)
daisy17, it’s great to see one of my favorite twitter buddies getting in on the conversation here! :) What you said about wanting your updates to be real is spot on: “real isn’t always happy or easy. Real is sometimes irritated, annoyed, or frustrated.” Your story about your waxer cracked me up—somehow it’s definitely more a twitter-appropriate story than FB, though. You’re right, there is a difference because of the audience.
Patrick, you are too kind. And I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who over-thinks these things regarding message, audience, nuance, etc. etc. Sheesh! This is especially funny: “Do I want to just post what I am doing, how I am feeling, etc. OR should I post something hoping to generate feedback and create meaningful discussion? Why shouldn’t those be the same? Am I that boring or self focused?” I can really relate.
Kathryn, welcome! You point out perfectly how important the balance is. Negative tweets/updates might unknowingly belittle what others are going through, but it works both ways—displaying your so-called shiny happy perfect life for everyone to see can result in a whole bunch of people feeling incompetent and bad about their own lives.
Jenx67, I thought you might like this post, since you were right there with Chuck in the FB status banter. :) The potential for a FB community to become one big sensational gossip factory is huge, especially when it comes to the tough things in life, like divorce or losing a job. No one needs more “friends” like that. (But coffee some day with you? Most definitely.)
Daisy, I haven’t heard much about Plurk. Sounds interesting. (And by the way, I have never once thought you overdid it on Twitter. It seems to me like you’re being your wonderful self!)
Nice collection of thoughts on something that can be so random. Used to be people used diaries to pour out their obsessions, triumphs and failures…plus, they were never meant for an audience. It does suprise me what some will reveal about themselves in the FB sense.
Ashely, I think it’s really important to realize how we need to find healthy outlets for our frustrations. That’s a big part of what being a community is all about, I think. I’m not a FB friend with you, but I can say that your Twitter updates and your blog seem to reflect a very real, balanced *you*.
Trina, that’s a really interesting observation—tying our use of status updates to what used to be a diary writing practice. We used to be focused on self-awareness and articulation, but only for the purpose of understanding ourselves better, not as a way to orchestrate how others see us. Thanks for bringing that up!