I found an old friend this past week. Thanks to Facebook, of course.
“Finding” someone on Facebook is relatively easy to do, and therefore it’s a relatively common to hear about. On the surface, this might diminish some of the magic, at least in the telling of the story. It’s not like I hired a private investigator to track my friend down. I just had to think for a few days before I could remember her married name. You can yawn if you want.
But when you haven’t been in touch with someone for a decade, and suddenly you’re communicating again, and that contact is making you examine and think about a huge chunk of yourself and your past, it’s a big deal. Finding Jen this week has been a big, exciting deal.
I have to confess, I hadn’t thought about Jen in years. But out of nowhere, these past few weeks, she’s been on my mind. I think in part it’s because I’ve been feeling a hole of sorts in my life—a girlfriend-shaped hole that can only be filled by one person who really gets you, and is always ready (by “always” I mean every day) to hear the latest and greatest or most miniscule and ridiculous parts of your life. I have lots of good friends, but it’s been almost a year since I’ve had that kind of friend.
So, my soul has been hungry for a friend. That hunger has naturally made me think about the people in my past who have been that kind of friend to me. And that made me wonder what the “qualifications” for such a friend might be.
When it gets down to it, I think my quest for a friend mirrors my life quest and the whole point behind this blog: I want to be comfortable in my halfway to normal state, and I want to have people around me who get and accept who and where I am. This is how I put it in response to the comment Jen left on my previous post, Where to get some happiness:
Jen, I think it was in writing various blog posts that I started thinking about you again, after so many years. You most likely came to mind because you were always one of those rare people who seemed to GET and accept my halfway to normal state–perhaps even before I did, myself.
One foot in one world, one in another
My own particular halfway to normal-ness takes form in many aspects of my life, but the struggle between the spiritual and secular worlds has always been most prominent. In some instances, I think the split is perceived—the two worlds aren’t actually that different; my mind is simply playing tricks on my heart. At other moments, though, there’s no doubt that the divide between the worlds is very real, and I’m caught in between.
The struggle and its connection to my friendships began when I was a teenager. I went to a public high school and didn’t want to be pegged as overly religious, so I kept that part of who I was in check. Then I went to a Christian college, and was amazed at how freeing it was to have that spiritual part of you accepted, and even assumed.
Sort of freeing, that is. Until you realize that some of the assumptions being made are not ones you want to claim. And then you realize other assumptions are ones you can’t rightly claim. You’re really not as “good” as everyone thinks you are or expects you to be. Suddenly, you realize, the foundation for your facade has been poured.
It was at that particular moment in time that I met Jen, the summer after my sophomore year of college. We were living in a big house together on the Jersey Shore (a story for another time). She was perhaps the first Christian friend I could be fully myself with. And although she went to school in Pittsburgh and I was in Grand Rapids, we made the long drive to visit one another several times, and wrote weekly postcards to stay close and generally feel less alone in the world.
Yes, that’s the kind of thing people did back in the early 1990s to stay in touch, when they couldn’t afford big long distance phone bills and didn’t know a thing about email. Fifteen years later, though, we find one another on Facebook, soak up ambient awareness on Twitter, and find new ways to be halfway to normal together, again. And I’m very thankful.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Girl, you and I need to meet “halfway.” I love this post. I love how it seems we are asking ourselves the same questions and finding some courage to say no the junk.
I question, what is “normal” anyway? And one thing I like, anyway, that is knowing someone who have different views that me. And, I think often that I don’t fit what “normal” is supposed to be either.
Being able to connect with a friend from the past really is very cool. I, too, have found Facebook a great resource for bring back the ’90s.! I wish you well as this renewed friendship continues to grow…
The idea of religion vs. spirituality – one that I struggle with at times. This can be a tough one, especially if something you truly believe goes against what your religion believes. I think that’s where tolerance and acceptance come in – although this doesn’t happen in all religions, or all churches… We are imperfect. Me as much as you. So, who’s to say that what I believe is any more or less “right” than what you believe. Anyway, that’s my philosophy. I “try” to be open and understanding to all spiritual views, and the more I am, the more I realize I don’t know…
Jen, it IS good to have a friend who is asking some of the same questions, even over years and distance. I always find myself going back to the idea of how important it is to know we’re not alone.
Lance, thanks for bringing up so many good thoughts. Although it’s wonderful to not feel alone, I also agree that it’s good to know people who have different views than me. I guess the thing about my particular life is that I know more people with differing views than with similar views, which is why I often feel neither here nor there. That’s why finding someone who “gets” me, like Jen and my husband Jason, is so important.
Regarding a definition for “normal,” I think we see it the same way: there’s really no such thing as normal, there’s only each individual’s perception of normalcy. My blog is meant to highlight that irony. There are societal “norms” though–ideas that most Americans gravitate towards, like that a family has a mom and a dad and 2.5 kids, or that devout Christians are anti-abortion and likely to vote Republican. I would love to see this country move away from these assumptions about normalcy, and I would love to see more tolerance and acceptance in churches, too, as you point out. We are indeed just a bunch of imperfect people trying to figure it all out.
Kristin, thanks for the interesting discussion and thought process for which your blog has created. You can really understand where a person is at in lifes journey as the need for friends and family arises.
I too found it encouraging and exciting to recently find a friend at our class reunion (go St. John Redwings). It is always thought you would stay in touch but to find that person from your past who you believe “really” understands what is going on inside us. I believe that is why we all seek for friendships and relationships that touch that inner point of “they really understand me”.