Photo by Ralph Daily
I’ve been examining some of my early understandings of God, lately, trying to figure out how and where I got so off track. I figure I must not be the only one who started out understanding him in such narrow, confining ways, so we might as well work through it together.
Of course, I can’t claim with certainty to have more accurate information about God than I did 20 years ago, but I sure feel like I do. I’ve certainly had a lot more experiences with God, heard more sermons, had more conversations, and read more of the Bible and other books. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen God show up in my life in a whole slew of different, unexpected ways. So for now, I’m going to move tentatively forward with that.
The big picture God
As a teenager, I had a hard time believing that God cared specifically about me, with any great detail. Sure, he might know how many hairs were on my head, but I imagined that was a no-brainer for God—one of the random things he just kept track of. He certainly couldn’t, however, feel the need to keep track of my daily mood swings or little teen stresses. God was all about the big picture.
Take romantic relationships. I concluded there were only two big things God really cared about: That I some day marry a Good Christian Boy and that I not have sex until I was married to said boy. Beyond that, in my mind, God didn’t bother himself with the details surrounding my romantic relationships. I couldn’t imagine he cared, for instance, whether my high school boyfriend exercised compassion in any area of his life, or respected my intelligence as a woman. After all, God is a very busy guy, what with all the premarital sex he has to thwart and the guilt he has to inflict on people to keep them on the right track. Why would he care about the general health of my little teen explorations into dating and romance?
Straight from one trouble into the arms of another
Of course, there are many brands of trouble—teen pregnancy is just one of them. Often, while we are busy avoiding one kind of trouble, we are often stumbling straight into another. Which is at the heart of why I’m pretty sure God doesn’t see everything in such black and white ways—why he cares so much about the finer points, as well as the individuals struggling with those finer points.
Some of what I wrote in my post Why the case for early marriage worries me touches on that:
What would the world look like, for instance, if the church spent as much time teaching our teenagers to love others with compassion, as we spend pounding the “no-sex-outside-of-marriage” message into their heads? What if we, as parents, spent more time guiding our children on the journey of discovering who God created them to be, and less time telling them what the Bible says they’re not supposed to do?
What would marriages look like if churches began honestly addressing the many, varied ways we sin against one another within marriage, rather than only focusing on those sins that take place outside of legal marriage?
Focusing on the fruit
Ultimately, God gets how complicated things are. He gets it more than we do, even though we often feel completely alone as we pick through the knotted, tangled mess of our lives.
And although the Bible offers many guidelines and “best ways” to reach a fruitful life—marrying the wrong person too young and then getting a divorce, for instance, is not the recommended route—ultimately God cares about the fruit we produce and offer to the world, both as individuals and in our relationships. Simply marrying a Good Christian Boy and waiting until after marriage to have sex does not guarantee a marriage—a life—that produces good fruit.
I’m no theologian, but that’s what I’ve come to understand about God. What have you misunderstood and later learned about God?
By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. — Matthew 7:16-17
Similar Posts:
- Why the case for early marriage worries me
- Making room for new life in an old faith
- Is divorce something we need to confess?
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Now there’s a post title to get attention!
This post puts into a specifically Christian/religious perspective a lot of things I’ve been thinking about more generally with thinking about how guide my daughters as they (gulp) approach adolescence. My parents didn’t push the “wait until marriage” line–but they didn’t give me much guidance about what might be worth waiting for and why waiting might be desirable either. Their confidence in my overall maturity and sense of self was not misplaced–but I would have appreciated some help in organizing the contradictory mishmash of information I got from other sources (movies, literature, my peers) about how sex ought to function as part of a caring and responsible relationship (including the exploratory relationships of the teenage years).
Your post reminded me of that quote from a Robertson Davies novel (can’t remember which one, unfortunately), something along the lines of “chastity is having the body in the soul’s keeping.” That’s a definition of chastity that I can square with a God that I can believe in–but of course, the challenge is working out just how the soul should “keep” the body. The metaphor of fruit in your post seems like a really helpful one in that regard: evaluating a given sexual relationship not in terms of its adherence to an arbitrary code of conduct, but by the kind of fruit (mutual care, pleasure, the possibility of an unintended conception) it will bear. Will it be the fruit of the soul or just the body?
Wow! I love what you’ve written. Love it.
I grew up as a rule follower too, almost worshiping the rules, even as I walked right along the edge of them. I figured that as long as I didn’t cross the line, if I didn’t have sex or cuss (!) or drink then I was being a good girl and was okay with God.
As my kids get older (11, 17, 20) I want so much more for them. I want them to get to the heart of God’s relentless love for us (and therefore our love for God and others) rather than continually lining up my life against a list of rules. I want them to act with compassion, to respect others around them and look for God in everyone.
But let me tell you, it’s been a real challenge for me not to let my fear speak up, to pull up old lectures I heard myself, and drown all the love stuff out.
We talk about sex and alcohol and waiting because I do think that saying no to those things for now, or at least waiting for them a little longer, can allow them to have the simpler, fuller life God has for them, and because the consequences can be serious. But more than anything else, I want my kids to hear and see love and compassion as my focus, and to take that for their own. I want them to be free to experience all the yeses God gives us.
It’s hard for an old rule follower, but as I watch how God is working in their lives, and how they’re teaching me too, my faith is growing.
Thanks for writing this.
One of the ideas i’ve been mulling around (but haven’t quite figured out how to fully articulate) is that marriage, as beautiful and wonderful as it can be, is not God’s ultimate goal for our lives. There is so much emphasis placed on it as the only holy place for sexual expression and even as a defining characteristic of peoples and nations that we forget that it’s cultural construct. I want to be clear that many people, including myself, are blessed by marriage. But as divorce rates continue to soar it’s clear that we need to examine how we think about – talk about – preach about what marriage is and what it isn’t. Beyond the more culturally sensitive topics of alternative lifestyles and orientations stand single people that will not, or have chosen not to, get married. Clearly God can bless them and they in turn (as you’ve beautifully articulated) can bear fruit that will bless us all. I love the comment from Becky about being free to experience all the yeses that God has to offer; that has been the hardest lesson of all for me to learn.
I like the developmental approach you took in terms of our understanding of God.
Today I had to write my Adult Sunday School class on 1 Samuel 8 which is the famous “ask for a king” chapter. It’s a fascinating chapter in Hebrew with wordplays surrounding abuse of power and authority. In the end God basically tells Samuel to go ahead and let them have what they are asking for even though it is essentially a return to Egypt. He note that this has been the story all along. He rescues them from slavery and they wander back into it. Now a king will be the slave owner and when they cry out God won’t listen any more. I’m struck by how often God seems to break that promise. He keeps saying he’ll abandon them and then never quite has the heart to do so.
What makes this all interesting in the context of your blog post is that the book of 1 Samuel is all about kingship and how God moves through kingship. In fact that theme will get taken up and come to fruition in Christ. Yes, they want a human king. He’ll give them one, but he will not “reign” (read it in the KJV, the Hebrew links are clearer in that translation) over them like the kings of the world.
Thanks for your post. pvk
Thanks for this post, Kristin. Not many people are willing to think back on their lives and search out where their errors originated. Nor are such searches easy. I trust the Holy Spirit will be your teacher. You’ll know it’s him when you find the truth wrapped in grace.
Reading our post reminded me of Jesus’ challenge to his critics, “If you had known what these words mean, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the innocent.” ( Matt. 12:7) Compassion is difficult to measure or count; virginity is easier to quantify. Mercy is fuzzy about the edges because it comes in contact with the unclean; rule-keeping is easy because you’re either “right or wrong.” Fruit is a metaphor; law is a yardstick.
At the beginning of your post you said you “can’t claim with certainty to have more accurate information about God than I did 20 years ago.” I’d like to suggest one thing of which you can be certain: God is love, and when we align ourselves with love, we align ourselves with God. Peace!
Kirstin, it’s sort of shocking, isn’t it, when you realize you have to start thinking about these issues as a parent. What I find interesting is that my parents didn’t heavily push these ideas I had about relationships—it’s not like they were pounded into my head. Somehow they seeped into my head. Makes me wonder where we really get our ideas, as kids. This is a great way to phrase what kids need: “I would have appreciated some help in organizing the contradictory mishmash of information I got from other sources….” That Davies’ quote is so thought-provoking, as is your final question about the nature of the fruit. Thanks for giving me more to chew on.
Becky, I have to set the record straight here: I wasn’t necessarily a rule-follower. :) I knew all of the rules and then applied my own logic to them, deciding how (and if) to follow them. The main problem with that approach is all the guilt that comes with it, and how it affects the way you suspect God feels about you (shaking his head in dismay rather than rejoicing over you). Your reflections about what you want for your own kids are beautiful. As a mom, I can say “ditto” to all of it, especially this: “I want them to be free to experience all the yeses God gives us.”
Jason, thanks for bringing up those who never do get married, for a variety of reasons. That’s very much an important part of this topic, especially in regards to how God uses people to bless others. I don’t think we need to change our entire understanding and perspective on marriage, I just think we need to broaden (immensely) our understanding of God and the things he ultimately cares about.
Kristin, this post reminds me of catching fireflies at Carle Park and happy children. Thank you for putting into words something I have also been thinking on lately. As a young woman I lived such a narrowly defined, black and white Christian experience, rejecting so many things, ideas and people that could have enlightened me. I know for some people this issue revolves are sex and it’s “proper place.” For me it was more broad. As I move into my 40s so much has changed about how I see the fullness of God, and His pleasure in ALL his people in ALL their crazy, seemingly disjointed choices.I have a deeper understanding that God and His grace is for more than just me, more than just for what I think fits into his world.
Paul, I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around what you’re saying about 1 Samuel 8. Heady stuff! I think you’re saying that our understanding of God is cumulative and progressive—that we understand certain core aspects of God, and mix that with those certain human needs we can’t get beyond. God takes us where we are and gradually moves us to more understanding and a richer life? I’m reading A New Kind of Christianity by McLaren right now. This makes me think of how he explains how people’s understanding of God changed, evolved, and matured over the centuries, as we move through the biblical narrative and through time (chapter 10, McLaren). Am I sort of on track with what you’re saying? :)
Ray, I think being a parent makes you want to figure out where you went wrong in all sorts of ways, doesn’t it? I’m especially curious about my understanding of God, because I didn’t grow up in a really conservative, fundamentalist church—I didn’t have lots of strict information about God pounded into me, and yet, I came to some of those conclusions on my own. Maybe from hearing so many OT Bible stories as a kid? Anyway, this is so right-on: “Compassion is difficult to measure or count; virginity is easier to quantify. Mercy is fuzzy about the edges because it comes in contact with the unclean; rule-keeping is easy because you’re either “right or wrong.” Fruit is a metaphor; law is a yardstick.” So what can we do about it? What will make us, as a people, more comfortable with fuzzy edges?
Jennifer, focusing on our happy, open children is a wonderful way to frame all of this. And I can relate to this, completely: “As I move into my 40s so much has changed about how I see the fullness of God, and His pleasure in ALL his people in ALL their crazy, seemingly disjointed choices.” Maybe seeing God’s joy in all the fuzzy edges will help us continue to be more comfortable with those fuzzy edges.
Kristin, Let me know what you think of Mclaren’s “An New Kind Of Christianity”. I read his “A Generous Orthodoxy”. I appreciate the idea of our concept of God changing and maturing as time passes and life experiences shape and flavor our perceptions and understanding of God. Notice that God hasn’t changed – just our ability to perceive God has. Sometimes that is for the better – sometimes for the worse (unable to see God through the innocence of a child again!).
A child’s view of their parent is a very progressive experience. Having a child yourself begins to shed light on your own childhood. Our own failures help us understand something of our parent’s failures.
I strongly resist a sort of communal, progressive, evolutionary approach to God that creates categories of “primitive” and “enlightened”. These assumptions are deeply embedded in a lot of religious writings today. What this does is to elevate the new and the now and really make it difficult for us to appreciate the ancients and to really listen to them. We imagine because we can make cell phones and have the internet that somehow we know a lot more about God than they could. That is like imagining that because I can pay AT&T $100 a month and download apps that I am somehow more “mature” than someone 50 years ago who needed a wire. The things aren’t connected.
I think the parent-child metaphor that Jesus brings us into with respect to God (It’s in the OT as well as the husband-wife one) is so remarkably helpful. The difficulty is that we are too much like adolescents that think because we can do stuff like drive that we’re somehow beyond God. Has all our imagined new knowledge really ended war or made us more generous or have we simply internalized a new neo-colonialism that imagines that western bookreaders can teach Africans and Asians what the gospel really is, usually along the cultural lines of our supposed social accomplishments. It’s an old, old habit.
1 Sam 8 suggests that the route out of slavery is not a better idea or a new political technology. The point of the chapter is that their newer better idea will become their master. It is the root of idolatry. God lets them have their idolatry until they begin to realize (as their children’s children suffer from their decision) that freedom is something other than mere self-determination.
Making us like him is his goal, not much different from parents. The thing is that like a child we focus on all the wrong attributes to emulate. I still remember putting my small child feet into my father’s large shoes and aping him in other ways. When we hear Jesus tell us to “be perfect, like your father in heaven is perfect” we often hear this in a moralistic way. The context of that statement in Matt 5 is telling, it is about love for one’s enemies. That’s always something we appreciate in the abstract. It’s like CS Lewis’ comment about forgiveness. Everyone thinks forgiving is a great idea, until they have something to forgive. Loving your enemy is just a noble idea until your face is slapped and your cloak is gone. Suffering is always an opportunity for growth. pvk