Photo by iShot71
If you have kids—if you ever were a kid, for that matter—you know that jealousy is a pretty normal human emotion. My kids reference it fairly often, even if the references tend to be veiled. “Why does she get to do that and I don’t?” “So-and-so gets twice as much allowance as me.” “Every girl in my class is good at gymnastics but me!”
But then something miraculous seems to happen in adulthood. Jealousy seems to dissolve and fall out of the picture!
Or does it?
I came face-to-face with adult jealousy in my own life last week (as I briefly referenced in Friday’s post). I was thrilled that my friend, Rachel Held Evans, had received the first shipment of her first book, Evolving in Monkeytown: How a Girl Who Knew All the Answers Learned to Ask the Questions. That joy was followed by a stab of jealousy when I found out she was celebrating her 29th birthday. Yes—she was experiencing THE landmark moment as a writer before she turned 30!
Jealousy occurs in that moment when we stop looking at an individual’s particular experience and start intricately (and illogically) weaving ourselves into the equation. If I can isolate Rachel—how happy I am for her, and how much I believe in the message of her story—I’m filled with good feelings.
As soon as I begin to conjure up my particular place in that scenario, beyond that of a happy observer, things start to fall apart. I start comparing myself, criticizing myself, and wondering what I’m doing wrong in my life, even though I know her story has nothing to do with mine. I still can’t help it! She has achieved something I dream of achieving.
Why the bad rap and the automatic shame?
When I emailed Rachel to tell her how excited I was about her book (and a little bit jealous, maybe, but I was trying not to be), she responded in such a gracious way. Essentially, she told me not to worry about it for a second—that I have been so supportive along the way, and that jealousy is a completely normal emotion, especially for writers. She has experienced it, too.
It made me wonder why we’re so ashamed of jealousy. Why don’t we just face it for what it is, deal with it appropriately, and move on, stronger and more mature because we’ve looked it in the eye?
As usual, when I think about a life issue I’ve gotten all tangled up in, it makes me wonder how I can help my kids gain a different perspective and a new approach. The key, I think, is to talk openly about jealousy, rather than trying to hide it away in a closet of guilt. Jealousy has typically been branded as an evil temptation—a coveting of something that is not yours, paired with a lack of gratitude for what you’ve been given. And it’s true. Jealousy can be that.
Showing our kids the two sides of jealousy
That’s why when we talk to our kids about jealousy we need to recognize that there are two types of jealousy: the good, normal, healthy jealousy, that still encompasses lots of excitement for what’s happening in the other person’s life; and the ugly jealousy that desires to tear down what’s good in someone else’s life.
Ultimately, we want to say to our kids (and ourselves), “Jealousy can be a bad thing, but jealous feelings do not automatically make you a bad person.”
When you think about it that way, it’s a conversation template that’s ready for all sorts of other topics: Anger. Alcohol. Arguing. (Wait, they can’t all start with A!) Fear. They can all be experienced in healthy or unhealthy ways. If we don’t talk openly about them, we’ll have a hard time finding that sweet, healthy, honest spot from which we can truly grow.
Do you struggle with jealousy? Do you think admitting it can help those jealous feelings to dissipate?
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I have a gut feeling there are several others out there who are feeling jealous because Rachel got her first book published before she turned 30. Rachel’s pretty awesome.
I too actually had a conversation with her about this topic several months back and I found that being honest about the jealous thoughts totally helped. I am a firm believer that if we let thoughts linger in the dark they tend to grow and get moldy. Whereas if we can find a healthy way to verbalize our insecurities we usually find a way to move forward and past our jealousies.
“Jealousy can be a bad thing, but jealous feelings do not automatically make you a bad person.” Oh what wisdom! We are celebrating my three year old daughters b-day today and my five year old son is really having a hard time not being jealous. Will have to chat with him later about this idea of two sides to jealousy – great thoughts – thanks!
Count me in as another person who loves Rachel, her book and the whole shebang–and is also pea-green with envy that she’s getting published before 30.
(At the rate I’m going, I might make it by the time I’m 50. I’m too close to 40 already for the slow process of the publishing industry to squeak me in under that deadline.)
Don’t know if you’ve ever read much about personality types, but mine is an enneagram 4, and our “Core Sin” (the one bugaboo that we don’t just struggle with, but which warps our whole perspective on life) is Envy. So yeah. Very familiar with that struggle. Right now it’s over getting published, but there’s always something.
But the antidote to envy and jealousy is gratitude. You can’t be simultaneously grateful and envious. But gratitude takes cultivation (and I am lazy). Envy comes naturally. ;-)
The thing I always struggle with is remembering that it doesn’t always have to be an “either/or.” When we are jealous and wish we had what another person has (a published book, a well-written blog, a material item), we forget that the other person having what we want doesn’t always preclude us from also having what we want. Rachel publishing her book doesn’t mean you won’t ever publish your book – it will just happen at another time. Of course, we never see that because it’s logical and jealousy is rarely logical.
As an artist I have huge jealousy issues when I look at my poor bio compared to many other artists (one which you are quite familiar with). It is a real downfall of mine that I’m forever comparing myself to those around me. I try very hard to put in perspective the issues that have brought me to the point I am today & realize that it is shaping me to be the person I’m supposed to be, the artist I’m meant to be.
Your two sides of jealousy are brilliant. Maybe a way to sum it up is there is the jealousy that can spark us on & the jealousy that can defeat us.
Ester, yes, “Rachel’s pretty awesome” indeed. It’s as easy to be completely thrilled for her as it is to be jealous! I love how you put this truth: “I am a firm believer that if we let thoughts linger in the dark they tend to grow and get moldy.” Thanks for jumping in, and good luck with that well-known sibling brand of jealousy!
KatFrench, I’m shooting for the “before 50″ goal, too (and at the same time trying to let go of these ideas that the earlier you accomplish something like this, the better—says who?). You nailed this aspect of jealousy: “…the antidote to envy and jealousy is gratitude.” And yes, gratitude takes much more work, but I believe it can have life-changing results. (Btw, I have taken the enneagram test—I’m a 7.)
Meredith, you’re right, many things in life can be both/and. That’s one of the things I don’t quite get, as a parent, when I watch the sibling rivalry between my daughters. So often I want to ask “Why do you care what she gets? Nothing she gets precludes you from getting something you want. If you don’t get what you want it’s due to reasons completely unrelated to your sister.” Sigh. Jealousy isn’t logical, as you said.
Elaine, the creative world is a competitive one, isn’t it? And it’s filled with sensitive types who are not really cut out for that scramble to the top! :) But you make a really important point (one very similar to a point my mother often makes): The life you have lived and things you have gone through, while they can be seen as setbacks, are also the things that allow you to create what you create. We are creating art rooted in our own stories, after all. Trying to take on someone else’s story—even their success story—is pointless.
I’m late to the conversation, but blushing from all the generous comments. Thanks so much, ladies, for your encouragement, support, and…jealousy (?) :-)
I love this line: “Why don’t we just face [jealousy] for what it is, deal with it appropriately, and move on, stronger and more mature because we’ve looked it in the eye?”
And this observation: “Jealousy can be a bad thing, but jealous feelings do not automatically make you a bad person.”
Great insights!
In my own life, I’ve found that a touch of jealousy can motivate me to work harder, focus on what I want, and learn from what other writers are doing right. But it’s important for me to keep in mind that having what they have will not automatically make me happy.
Just so you know: I still re-read the book and fixate on things I could have written better. I still assume that I’d be happier if I were skinnier. I still compare myself to other writers. I still worry about sales. I still have a hard time maintaining long-lasting relationships with other women. I still judge people because I’m worried they’re judging me. I still check my stupid Amazon ranking every hour.
I guess all your insecurities and bad habits don’t evaporate into thin air the moment you hold your published book in your hands.
That’s not to say it isn’t incredibly rewarding. It just means we’re all in the same boat. Apparently, we can be happy right now – if only we choose it.
Thanks so much for your honesty, Kristin.
Lately I’ve been dealing with feelings of jealousy. It’s not about other people writing books (even though I had that same thought about Rachel! And I really want to read her book!) but it’s…house envy. It feels like we are NEVER going to end up in a house of our own. I feel like such a freakin’ loser to STILL be living in an apartment (a very nice apartment!) at 31 years old. It doesn’t help that one day I drove out to the Reservoir (where there are VERY nice houses) and drove past several that are just gorgeous. I don’t even WANT a big house, but still. It’s just weird. Having a house is something that I am not always sure I want quite yet, but it feels like I should want it – and I should, if I’m adult who has things together, have it already. So that’s where my jealousy is, these days.
Reminded of a favorite Madeleine L’Engle line: “Comparisons are odious”. Comparing leads to jealousy, envy, and other not so nice things. It would be nice if it only spurred us on to accomplish more, but that is not the way my brain seems to be wired. Thanks for once again sharing your heart KT.
Are you kidding? I’m the evil queen of jealousy. It’s something I feel really rotten about, and though I try to work on it (how exactly do you work on it anyway?) it shows up again and again, a bad penny of sin.
I have so much to be thankful for and I don’t think I have self esteem issues, so I’m not sure why I struggle with this. Yet I’m always shocked when I hear people talk about their own jealousies.
All this to say that I think you’re right. Somehow jealousy climbs right to the top of the shame list. We don’t want to admit it, but when we do, it helps somehow. Its power lessons when we air it out.
It’s the first time I’ve ever thought about that. Thank you, Kristin!
I know envy is supposed to be bad, but I disagree. I feel like envy describes your current feeling better than the word Jealousy does. Jealous people tend to put down the successful in order to make themselves feel better. You are reveling in her success, wishing you were experiencing the same success, but still praising her and sharing the excitement. Wishing the same for yourself is not a bad thing at all! Your envy of her success may push you a little farther along the road to your own.
You know what I love about jealousy, or envy, or whatever it`s called? It`s the way it shows me the things I treasure. When I`m jealous of you, Kristin, it reminds me how I want to make time for weekends with T, spend time at the beach with my kids, & to love my house & my neighborhood. Those things are joyful things to think about, and I didn`t even have them in my awareness until I reacted to some beautiful tweet of yours. What a gift that was.
And another gift is saying “She published a book! I would love to do that! Maybe I want to get serious about it now!”
Key for me in letting the beauty overcome the pain is to look forward, not back, and to pay attention to possibilities, not limitations. You and I are not going to publish before 30 (or to marry the right person the first time!) but we can still follow our dreams and publish (and love that right person *now*). kwim?
Rachel, why, you’re welcome! I’m sure there’s plenty more jealousy where that came from. :) You make a great point here: “…it’s important for me to keep in mind that having what they have will not automatically make me happy.” I think maybe we get caught up in one certain path or life that could possibly make us happy, when, in fact, there are many paths that could lead us to happiness. Plus, we seem to be notoriously bad at predicting what will make us happy, as the book “Stumbling Toward Happiness” demonstrates. Thanks for sharing your own struggles. It’s just that type of honesty and humility that makes so many of us far more happy for you than we are jealous.
Sam, ah, the house envy. I didn’t even go down that road in this post, but I have some of that, too (and we have a house!). Maybe it’s more of a little pity party than an envy party—the whole “we have three girls and only one bathroom, it’s not fair!” line. Anyway, it’s great that you’ve identified this longing that you have, and that you’re able to parse it and recognize that there’s a difference between what you really want and what you feel you *should* want or have.
Lorna, what a great opportunity to use the word “odious!” You mention how you brain is wired, and Kat mentioned her personality type—both remind me that we each struggle with our own issues in our own ways. I guess the most important thing is to know yourself and be honest with yourself, right?
Becky, I’m having a hard time imagining you as the evil queen of anything, but OK! :) This is fascinating to me: “I have so much to be thankful for and I don’t think I have self esteem issues, so I’m not sure why I struggle with this.” I can definitely say the same things about my life, even if jealousy isn’t something I regularly struggle with. But still—makes you wonder why it’s there at all. Maybe it is rooted in childhood, when our self esteem was more fragile and our wants so vivid?
Daisy, you’re right—we tend to think of “envy” and “jealousy” as interchangeable, but they do have different cultural connotations. Thanks for making that point. (It’s funny, I didn’t even think about it at the time, but I used the word “envy” in my post title!)
Angela, the fact that your jealousy/envy shows you the things you treasure says a lot about you. I think it speaks to how in touch with yourself you are—I imagine so many people *think* they desire things that they really don’t want and wouldn’t make them happier. And yes—we can be gifts to one another, spurring us on to good things, as long as we keep looking forward, not back.