I’ve been feeling a general inner restlessness lately. It’s like there’s a cavernous, empty space in me that some annoying little creature is frantically bouncing around in, trying to fill.
Part of this feeling comes from being suspended in a neither-here-nor-there space. For the past week we’ve been the owners of two houses, and it feels like we’re not fully living in either one—like we have two houses and no home.
I want to move things over to the new house and start nesting—I want to hang artwork and curtains, and put mugs in cupboards and my coffee pot on the counter. I want to be planting pansies in the pots we placed on either side of our new front door, and I want to sit by the new fireplace with a cup of tea and the sweater I’m knitting.
But it’s complicated, with the old house being shown by realtors every couple of days. My energies need to be focused there, doing whatever cleaning and fixing and tweaking it will take to make someone fall in love and extend an offer. And my client work keeps demanding my attention, and my children’s lives are just as complicated and busy as ever. Rather than settling and enjoying, I’m in constant motion, bouncing around this in-between space.
Just today I realized there’s a second reason for my restlessness: At least part of this feeling comes from being too busy to blog.
I miss my blog the way I miss close friends who live far away. In fact, it’s a longing for many of the same things that make me long for my friends—for time to contemplate, to put ideas into words, to listen and understand, and to be understood. Writing my blog, and connecting with people here, helps to center me, and put things in perspective. After spending time here, I feel light, energized, and more capable of moving toward whatever is next. Being too tired and busy to reflect here only compounds the general anxiety I feel, triggering a vicious cycle.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m not complaining about the state I’m in or the circumstances that have triggered it. A new house and an abundance of freelance work are cause for lots of celebration. I know we will be moved and settled soon enough, and I have hope that our old house will sell soon. Each day I check a few more things off my to-do list, and I know there will be gardening and napping and socializing ahead. In the meantime, thanks for sticking by me in this in-between space.
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Just in case you’ve missed me, too, I want to point you to some posts I’ve recently written for other blogs and sites:
“Let us keep the feast,” a post for Jennifer Luitwieler about tables and faith, and the powerful phrase “Come to the table”
“Tomorrow is a new day,” a post about parenting and grace for the “One Good Phrase” series at Mama Monk’s blog
“How to deal with stress—the right way,” a post at Relevant that includes a story about the time I kicked a hole in the wall (and no, that isn’t an example of the right way to deal stress!)