What I’ve learned by being alone

by Kristin on September 23, 2011

in Love, family & community

Photo by Alejandra Mavroski

Jason has been in New York the past few days and (as usual) I’m feeling a bit pathetic about flying solo.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not one of those people who “can’t sleep” when their spouse is away, and even though he’s the real chef in the family, I can hold my own in the kitchen. I’m even capable of getting the kids off to bed at night and then to school the next morning (although helping with math homework can be a bit of a challenge).

My main problem is that I’m an extrovert. After spending the day working solo, as a freelancer does, I’m really ready for someone to process the day with, dish over the news with, and laugh at the silly stuff with. It’s not that I can’t do life alone, it’s that I’ve already done my share of alone and have decided it’s not for me.

Facing a more permanent sense of alone

Soon after my first husband and I separated, in 2003, I bought the book How to Be Alone by Jonathan Franzen. I had read enough of Franzen’s earlier essays to know I wasn’t buying a practical, how-to guide that would provide strategies for being alone. But I was definitely drawn to the title—fearful of the very idea of being alone, and fascinated by the concept that you could do it well, or poorly.

In my case, I was pretty sure I was going to do it poorly. Besides being an extrovert, I essentially had no experience living alone. In fact, I had done almost nothing significant on my own—never taken a big solo road trip or made a significant purchase like a car or a computer. I’m pretty sure I had never even been to a movie alone. I had a lot to learn.

And I did learn. In many ways, I even thrived. As a single mom for a few years, I proved to myself that I could do pretty much anything and everything on my own, from buying a car and taking road trips to buying a house and being in charge of the maintenance. I’m generally not a fan of the word “empowering,” but there really isn’t a better word for how doing all of those things alone made me feel.

The difference between “I can’t” and “I don’t want to”

Now, even though I’ve got the whole “I’m capable” thing ingrained in me, I’d still rather have Jason by my side. And when he’s out of town, it’s good to realize I haven’t fallen into the trap of taking for granted what he brings to my life. See? I’m still learning from the discomfort of being alone. That’s what was on my mind when I read this quote in a recent Seth Godin post:

“This is what always happens when something goes from scarce to surplus. First we bathe in it, then we waste it.”

I went from scarce to surplus in my life when I met Jason—from a life without deep companionship or a partner to lend a hand, to a life filled with support for both my gifts and my deficiencies. I’ve been bathing in that surplus these past four years and am determined to keep right on doing so.

What “scarcity-to-surplus” experiences have you had in your life? What do you think is key to not wasting the surplus of gifts you’ve been given?

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  • http://www.inamirrordimly.com ed cyzewski

    You’re an extrovert eh? I’m an odd duck. I’m an introvert with some extroverted quirks. I really like to be around people, but I’m just not very outgoing or chatty.

    I’m grateful for the abundance of my wife’s patience during this season of our lives. She has really stuck it out while sorted out a career for myself and celebrated each little victory. I read blogs and tweets by all of these women who want a strong, self-assured man who can provide and get his act together. I’m not that guy. I Needed two years to stumble along, fail a bit, and piece together something that works. She was willing to let me work through that, and I’m so grateful that she endured the stress that process caused us. Now that I’m somewhat stable and secure with my career.

  • http://themoderngal.com The Modern Gal

    I guess I’m just the opposite in this case. I’m an introverted only child who was so used to living on her own when she decided to get a roommate two years ago (didn’t go so great, but was a good set up for a husband). My husband being gone brings a different set of problems: I lean on him to initiate our social interactions with others, and when he’s gone I’m horrible at doing it myself. I don’t mind getting out and doing things on my own, but it’s unlikely I’ll phone anyone to join me. (But I’m working on it).

  • http://www.ordinarymer.com Meredith

    Like The Modern Gal, I’m an introvert and I’ve had roommates and now I live alone and I love it. I tend to crave some time to myself every day or almost every day. But during these past five or so months, while I’ve been unemployed, I’ve realized that just because I *can* be alone doesn’t necessarily mean I *should.* I’ve realized I have to be more careful about balancing my introversion with some extroversion, because it’s too easy for me to slip into “being alone” mode and even though I’m comfortable there, it’s not good for people to be alone all the time. I guess I’m the opposite of you – I need to get better at being extroverted and working to make sure I get out and interact with people.

  • http://ordinarilyextraordinary.com/ Amy Nabors

    Is it sad to say I’ve gone from surplus to scarcity? Not with my marriage, but with friendships. After some hurtful situations from friend’s I find myself in a transition phase. I’m an introvert so I only have a couple of close friends. But I am thankful for this time. God is using it to grow me so I am choosing to be thankful.

  • http://www.left2devices.blogspot.com Matt

    Great post, Kristin!

    I think that everyone should experience being on their own, for however long or short a period of time it is. It helps a person become more comfortable with themselves and, as you mentioned earlier, it is empowering (and I get tired of that word, too). Being alone also helps one appreciate *not* being alone.

    I guess that, like yourself, I’ve gone from a scarcity to a surplus in the sense of not having had a significant other in my life until I was 24, to having been with one for the past 11 years now. Being a bit of a worrier, I sometimes wonder how I’d fare if anything (God forbid) ever happened. It’s definitely one of those “I don’t want to be alone” type of things.

    Interesting that you mention being an extrovert. For most of my life, I’ve considered myself to be an introvert, but people (and self-observation) have convinced me that I’m really more of an extrovert. Odd, self-perception.

  • http://www.halfwaytonormal.com Kristin T.

    ed, it took me a while to understand the whole “introvert” “extrovert” thing. I’m not saying my understanding is “textbook,” but I now think of it like this: People who are energized and get ideas and comfort from being with others are true extroverts, and people who get all of those things by being alone are introverts. I don’t think it has much to do with whether we’re outgoing or enjoy being with people or crave time alone. So I’m curious—with that definition, which one are you? (Thanks for sharing about your marriage & vocational journey. :)

    The Modern Gal, that’s really interesting to think about—that we have to stretch ourselves, whatever that means for us. For me, that meant living alone, and for you it meant getting a roommate! As long as we’re learning and growing, bit by bit…

    Meredith, yes to this: “just because I *can* be alone doesn’t necessarily mean I *should.*” And yes—your job situation really impacts what you need during evenings and weekends. I definitely crave alone time, but I get so much of that as a freelancer that by the time evening comes I really *need* that interaction. You’re getting plenty of alone time now that you don’t interact with co-workers daily. That’s a big shift, for sure.

    Amy, I’ve had movements in that direction, as well—in terms of friendships, too. It’s really hard to accept and be patient about. I’m glad you are finding a sense of peace and growth through the frustration.

    Matt, thanks for your comment! I can really relate to what you’ve shared. I think a lot of people misunderstand their extrovert/introvert natures, partly because the terms are misunderstood. People who are shy, for instance, assume they can’t possibly be extroverts, but they can! And I’m sure a lot of people are a little of both, but feel compelled to put themselves in one camp or the other. The labels can be useful in terms of self-understanding, but we shouldn’t let them define us in limiting ways.

  • http://www.inamirrordimly.com ed cyzewski

    Introvert/extrovert is tricky for me. I sort of fear time alone, but then I enjoy it. However, too much time by myself drives me crazy. I crave time with people, but I tend to be quiet in a crowd. I don’t dislike public stuff, but I keep to myself. I feel like I’m right down the middle on this one!