Different is the new normal

I completely agree – there is no “normal” and when we pretend that there is, we’re setting children up for a lot of hurt because most kids just want to fit in and be “normal.”

The lives your daughters and stepdaughter are living are so similar to mine sometimes. When I was growing up, “normal” was having three parents, extra siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. In fact, because I was so young when my parents split up and therefore I grew up with the two houses, for a very long time, I thought “normal” meant that moms and dads didn’t live in the same house (my version of “playing house” meant that the mommy had her own house and the daddy had his own house next door.)

Normal is exactly what you make it – it’s whatever works for your family at any given moment. There are so many different kinds of families today that declaring one or two of them “normal” means we’re shutting out so many wonderful possibilities. And we’re implying to our children that there’s a “right” way and a “wrong” way, which (of course) sets them up for a lot of confusion and possibly hurt if/when they discover that that they don’t fit into someone else’s idea of “normal.”

My family has been “messed up” for years and honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Maybe I’m better adjusted to it as an adult, but I’m proud to tell people that I have four parents, five siblings and more aunts, uncles and cousins than I can count. It makes me feel lucky to know that I have so many people on my side and that’s normal to me.

(Incidentally, I wrote about a similar idea on my own blog either this week. I think you wrote about this topic much more eloquently though!)

There definitely is no normal & the longer we carry that illusion with us, the more damage it can do. And, the early we learn to be okay with what IS allows more freedom & possibility & self-acceptance. Sounds like you are doing wonderfully with your just-right-as-it-is family.

Leslie :)

xmartinj, isn’t it pretty sad that well-adjusted, generously-loving kids are “non-normal,” as you put it? I hear you, though. When you mentioned “grace in hindsight” versus using it to “justify poor choices,” are you referring to divorce in particular? I guess I’m not sure what would define a “poor choice.” Sometimes a poor choice can be the marriage in the first place, or any decision to go against what you know you want deep down in your heart simply because it doesn’t seem “normal” or acceptable to your community, family, etc.

Meredith, I’ve told you this before, but I really love hearing your perspective on growing up as a child of divorced parents. Maybe I love it because you’ve turned out so great, so you’re proof against all those harsh statistics about kids and divorce. :) But when you share bits of your childhood, it also gets me thinking about how our daughters will look back on all of this and process it, once they’re in their 20s. Anyway, thanks. I’ll be heading over to read your post soon!

Jeanne, very true! Yet another reason to banish this idea of “normal” from our children’s minds—something you have always been a pro at.

Leslie, thanks for your comment! I’m glad to know that others out there see the damage the idea of normal can do, especially in kids. As I was writing the post, I wondered if some people would think my concern was over the top, or only applied to kids in unusual family situations like mine. But there are so many other examples of how kids understand “normal,” from athletic ability to how early they begin to read to what their parents pack in their lunches. Maybe the best way to say it is that we all need to talk to our kids more about differences, in general.

Susan, so funny! It *is* a rather complicated story to briefly reference in a blog post comment. Too many names and relationships, and unexpected twists and turns. But what I love about ideas like “normal,” though, is how they draw so many different people in. Mine isn’t really a story about divorce and blended families, it’s a story about trying to work through what normal looks like in your life. As you pointed out, that’s something so many of us can ponder and relate to.

Tara, the story about your husband’s perception is so funny! It reminds me of my childhood belief that whenever kids didn’t have school, parents didn’t have work, either. Now I know all too well that isn’t the case! You’re absolutely right about media opening up the range of stories and perspectives we’re exposed to. That’s one of my favorite things about Twitter. My kids aren’t as exposed to that whole world, yet, but I am thankful they go to schools and a church with lots of every kind of diversity. I’m sure it helps them feel more comfortable with their own unlikely lives.

Ahhh… Normal – what a term! It should be banned when referring to families and children. There is nothing that makes this clearer to a parent than having a special needs child. Each and every day is a different challenge for them and their parents. As the mom of three wonderfully uniquely challenged children, I applaud your take on normalcy, and agree that the term is hardly anything that should describe the family of today! Thanks for this post!

Hi, Kristin, I love your post. Sorry I’ve not been by lately; dropped Twitter and in the meantime I made a cross country move, so I’ve been busy!

I grew up on government entitlements because my professionally educated father had the temerity to develop a seizure disorder in the days before there was a law against firing those with disabilities and was fired time after time for having seizures while at work. The idea for my parents had been to raise their family in a Cleaver type of life but that became impossible. We wore ragged clothes to school, we lived on the wrong side of the tracks, went through one summer without shoes, etc. People who did not know our background were constantly amazed at how well we did in school, because poor kids like us simply did not. I surprised people by not getting pregnant in high school and by just graduating. My college prep English teacher told me she did not know why she wasted time with me as I certainly would not attend college. After all, my father just laid around the house instead of went to work. She did not know, and she did not care to know our reality, the scene behind the label.

It would have been “normal”, given our circumstances, for my siblings and me to have drifted into a life of living on the dole–that is what people expected. But we defied tidy labels. We did not fit in with the people amongst whom we lived (“Who do you think you are?”), and we threatened the people we would have lived amongst had my father not become ill, as we represented what can happen that is beyond one’s control. But none of us live on the government dole, we all went to college and have careers. The college thing did take longer, but we did it. We may have been poor, but we had parents who did not allow us to use the lack of cash as an excuse for failure.

What I’m trying to say, I think, is that “normal” is just a way of labeling. It is a code word for exclusion, for defining who or what is “in”. I’ve spent my life since age 7 outside many people’s definition of normal and dealing with that has made me into the strong person I am today. When things happen, I just work with it and move on. There has been plenty of practice.