Is there such a thing as the “simple truth?”

by Kristin on October 7, 2009

in Love, family & community

Photo by Gustty

“Always tell the truth.” It seems like one of the most straight-forward parenting maxims around. After all, it’s not like teaching our kids about religion or sex, or demonstrating to them what success and happiness look like, and how to achieve it. Lying is wrong, period. Even very small lies leave vacuums for bigger lies to fill, and they never result in anything but grief.

I’ve been thinking about truth-telling a lot, lately. First, there was the now-famous “You lie!” outburst by Rep. Joe Wilson during  President Obama’s healthcare speech a month ago. Then, last Thursday, Jason and I went to see the movie “The Informant!” as David Letterman was practicing some of his own truth-telling on national television. Both situations offer classic illustrations of what lying and truth look like, albeit on a large scale.

In “The Informant,” which is based on a true story, the main character’s inability to tell the truth snowballs over time—a compulsive lying habit that leads to a prison sentence. In Letterman’s case, while some applauded his confessional honesty about his affairs, others have criticize him for waiting until he was blackmailed to come clean.

In both scenarios, I think the ultimate lesson to be learned is the same: Tell the truth. All the time. But they also illustrate that lying is not as black and white as we’d like to think it is, and our kids learn that (or instinctively know that?) at a very young age.

Is it possible that when we, as parents, present lying as utterly clear-cut, we are doing them a disservice? When we pretend that something is simple, rather than complex, are we encouraging them to hide more, bury more, and internalize more guilt and confusion about their thoughts, feelings and temptations?

What happens when I don’t tell my kids the truth?

This morning, as I walked S to her elementary school, we passed our next door neighbors’ house, with its “Sale Pending” for sale sign in the yard. S, who has been struggling with a series of disappointments lately regarding close friends switching to private schools and moving out of town, said “I really hope a family with kids bought their house. I think someone with kids probably did, since the house is so big, and it has a play set in the yard and is so close to the school.”

I replied, “That would be fun, but I don’t know. We’ll have to see.”

In fact, I do know. A wealthy grandma bought the four-plus bedroom house—perhaps the most expensive one on our street—for her college student granddaughter and some roommates. Who knows who will live there when the granddaughter is done with school. It is a truth I am frustrated and even angry about, so I chose not to tell it.

Of course, I’m not lying, exactly. And my decision to withhold the truth comes out of love for my daughter—my desire to not upset her on her way to school, and my desperate hope that this truth will somehow change, melt away, and not need to be told at all. Our motivations count for something, don’t they?

I have to wonder, though, is there really a better time to tell the truth? Is there value in warming up to a truth we don’t like—coming to terms with it internally, then maybe telling part of it now and the rest of it later? Or do we end up with a pile of falseness that becomes too big to face, the way credit card debt grows into something monstrous? And we’re left declaring bankruptcy on a debt of lies, much like David Letterman was?

I feel like I know the answers to these things on a big scale, but when I go back to my interaction with S this morning, everything is less clear. I am, however, left with this truth: Truth-telling and lies are not as black and white as we pretend, and I think we need to engage our kids in conversations about those complexities.

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  • Chuck

    I’ve thought about lying a fair bit too. I think you’re right that it is a complex issue and handling it too simplistically does not serve our kids. Adults say, “Always tell the truth,” but then we don’t. We lie about how much we like a present, we like about being awakened by the phone, we lie about all sorts of stuff – tons of times about totally insignificant things.

    I have talked about with my son about people earning our truthfulness. If it is someone we know, love, and trust then they are a different sort of person than someone who is an authority, a competitor or a scoundrel. It also addresses why I want to get the truth but don’t expect him to always tell it to others.

    It took me some time to bring some understanding to constantly playing by a different set of rules than others did. Now, if people are trying to trick me, I don’t feel too badly about trying to trick them. Perhaps it is moral relativism but especially regarding my kids, I don’t want them to ever feel that shocking vulnerability that comes from betrayal, especially if s/he knew the betrayal was likely to happen.

    It reminds me of that opaque passage where Jesus says, “Be shrewd as serpents and gentle as doves.” Mt. 10:16 Taking anything that small from any text it is open to misuse but I think moral people are often constrained by their simplicity to being consumed by the immoral people. We needn’t be.

  • http://www.ordinarymer.com Meredith

    My mother once said “truth takes time.” She was talking about the big truths, the complex, complicated ones that aren’t black and white and that are hard to discuss.

    While I don’t have children, I do think that “simple truths” and “big truths” are tied in some ways to the age and maturity of the children involved. Sometimes we do lie to younger children because it’s easier than trying to explain the big truth to them, which they may not yet be able to understand. We try to explain things in a way they will understand, even if that means little lies of half-truths.

    I think of my own parents’ divorce – when I was 3 or 4 or 5, I couldn’t understand the complexities of it and so my parents gave me an answer that I could understand and accept. As I got older, I realized the truth was much bigger, but it was only when I was an adult that I was really truly able to see the real “big truth.” When you have complicated issues like that, you want to make sure you’re protecting your kids and giving them what they can handle, when they can handle it.

  • Natalie

    This was a really thoughtful post, Kristin– as all of yours seem to be! Chuck’s comment about “people earning our truthfulness” has really left me pondering today. I teach language and socio-cultural norms to my students, and this has made me pause and think about American culture and why we lie…because we do…a lot…and it is for perfectly justified reasons in our minds. INTERESTING. Thanks for starting this discussion :).

  • http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/ Kristin T.

    Chuck, you bring up some really interesting points, both about how we lie and how we should help our kids understand the realm of lies and truth. The “earning our truthfulness” concept gives me a lot to think about. I don’t want our kids to live in a world where they can’t openly trust and be truthful with everyone, but the reality is that they can’t. I wonder if maybe the key is teaching them to trust their hearts and their instincts about people and situations.

    Meredith, “truth takes time” strikes me as such a deep, wise, truism. Maybe that connects with what Chuck was saying about trust—trust takes time to build, too, if we want it to be real and meaningful. I also think your point about giving our kids truths they can handle as they can handle them is a good one. I know that’s what I’m ultimately doing (or trying to do) with my kids, but sometimes I worry that I’m just in avoidance mode. I guess that’s part of the complexity, eh?

    Natalie, thinking about this issue in the context of American culture and socio-cultural norms really is interesting. It seems a bit like a chicken and egg conundrum. Do people not trust others, which results in them telling protective lies? Or are the lies at the heart of the problem, causing the lack of trust? Or maybe in our culture we’re just more practiced at justifying everything we do? Let me know when you figure it out! :)

  • http://frizzytalksinhersleep.blogspot.com Roxanne

    My husband and I made a pact ~ that we’d ALWAYS rather hear the ugly truth than a stinking lie. I’m not too fond of the concept of lying to protect others. I don’t see it as an expression of love, etc. It’s still messing with someone’s reality. I tell the truth because I believe its a basic human requirement to know the truth, not at all considering whether others lie or truth-tell.

    Interesting post.

  • Chuck

    My earlier post seems like it was understood as encouraging the kids to lie. The actual context is a vigorous respect for truth but unlike my own upbringing a realistic acknowledgement that honesty is not always the best policy. This quickly becomes a downward spiral but I have been in too many situations where I acted for “the greater good” and the others involved used a WIIFM (What’s in it for me) mentality. Guess who gets screwed?

    In terms of honesty itself, my posting has more to do with sins of omission (the whole truth) than sins of commission (fabrications). I guess I see it as a survival strategy.

  • http://www.ihatemymessageboard.com Tracy

    You know there is really nothing like having a kid with Asperger’s Syndrome to teach you just how handy a skill it is to be able to fudge the truth a bit. The little white lie is sometimes just what is required.

    I don’t have all the answers, far from it. I think one mistake we make as parents is to equate lying with having a bad character. I don’t know if I’m expressing that right – it seems like an emphasis is placed on not being a LIAR rather than making good choices.

    We put a lot of time into explaining to our AS child how we came to make different decisions on what to reveal, what to keep to ourselves. It’s been illuminating.

  • Trina

    It took me some tome to digest your thoughts here Kristen. You see lying has hurt our family deeply in that a family member took real advantage of us all in a very hurtful way. Fabricating lie, after lie… suffice it to say I really cringe over the damamge a lie can cause. After all the truth can run around naked, while lies need to be fully clothed.
    I do understand about telling children only what they are ready for.

  • http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/ Kristin T.

    Roxanne, I completely get what you’re saying, about truth telling as an expression of love. I guess that’s what I was processing—that it might be easier at that moment to not tell my daughter the whole truth, but eventually I’ll have to. If I wait too long, all those truths waiting to be told will begin piling up. I can, though, take into consideration the moment—rushing down the block to get my daughter to school on a day she is already feeling sad about other things—and make a decision to tell her by a certain time (later that day or over the weekend). Anyway, it’s complicated! I guess I’m back to my original thesis!

    Chuck, thanks for following up. I think I knew what you were getting at in your first post, but it never hurts to make it even clearer. The sins of omission/commission issue is a good one to think through, too.

    Tracy, your perspective is such a mind-opening one to have. I only know a bit about Asperger’s Syndrome, but I can imagine how important it must be at times to dissipate, as quickly as possible, a situation that’s on the verge of quickly multiplying. And this is spot on: “it seems like an emphasis is placed on not being a LIAR rather than making good choices.” So true.

    Trina, there is no doubt that lies can cause deep—even permanent—harm. I’m so sorry your family has had to live through and with the effects of such lies. I think this is exactly why we need to figure out how to talk to our kids about lying—not just what forms it takes, but also the ramifications it has.

  • hk

    why does it frustrate and anger you that a wealthy grandmother bought the house for her granddaughter and her roommates?

    its irrelevant to your main discussion here but i am curious.

  • http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/ Kristin T.

    hk, it’s a good question—someone else asked me the same thing on Twitter. It helps to understand my strong commitment to building a strong neighborhood, and to know more about the neighborhood I live in, which is close to campus in a college town. My street, for a couple of blocks in either direction, is a mix of owner-occupied homes and college rentals. If you head north a block or two, there are many more rentals than owner occupied homes. In other words, we’re reaching a tipping point where people selling really nice, large homes (previously lived in by families) can more easily sell them to property managers who want to rent them out than to people who are going to live in the home, care for them, and be committed to the neighborhood. Not only are rentals typically not cared for in the same way as owner-occupied homes, but they also do not supply the neighborhood with committed, involved community members. That’s the part that’s even more important to me than the upkeep of the house. (In the case of the house being bought by the grandmother, what do you suppose will happen to the house in a few years when her granddaughter graduates and leaves town? It most likely becomes a long-term rental investment.)