Tasting faith, potluck-style

by Kristin on July 8, 2009

in Belief, doubt & hope

Photo by Pete Birkinshaw

We don’t like to see ourselves as all-or-nothing types, but I suspect most of us probably are. At least to some extent. We’re just good at being subtle about it.

Most of the time, we’re functioning with an on-off switch that’s activated intuitively and instantaneously. We glance at something or someone, decide whether they’re for us or not, and then engage or move on. We’re far less likely to hang out in the  nether-regions, where we experiment and explore, take a bit of this and a bit of that along the way to deciding which parts we like and which we could do without.

(An aside: One of the things I love so much about YOU, the readers of my blog, is that you seem to be extra willing to explore and engage in a whole range of ideas.)

Gleaning interesting ideas in unexpected places

I started thinking about this idea of being all-or-nothing as people were gathering at Powell’s for the reading I was recently involved in, for the book Ask Me About My Divorce. I assumed most of the people there had probably experienced divorce. That, of course, is why they had come, right? My brother and his good friend, however, came to the reading simply to support me. Neither of them has even been married, let alone divorced. I jumped to the conclusion “this won’t be for them—I hope they’re not too bored.”

As it turned out, my brother said he found himself very intrigued and engaged—and also surprised that he was. Sure, there were significant parts of these women’s stories that he couldn’t relate to at all, but there were other, broad-sweeping themes that applied very much to him, and made him think: Themes surrounding what we love, what we fear, what we’re capable of, and how we go about making the sort of life we want, even out of less-than-perfect circumstances. There was something for everyone, even if everything wasn’t for everyone.

Why the focus on an all-or-nothing faith?

When I realized how quick I am to dismiss something as “not for me,” it made me think how all-or-nothing many of us tend to be about faith and religion. You either believe or you don’t. You accept the entire Bible or reject it all. You’re the type who goes to church or you don’t—the type who browses in the religion section of the bookstore or avoids it all together.

Certainly not everyone is like this, but I get the feeling it’s pretty common. And I think religious establishments are to blame. I can only speak from a very limited perspective, as one person who was brought up as a Christian, but I think too many churches and religious groups deliberately focus on an all-or-nothing approach to evangelism and outreach. They present this enormous pill and ask others to swallow it whole; if they don’t, those Christians often assume the worst of you and move on.

So here’s what I’m thinking: Wouldn’t it be great if people of faith gave people who aren’t so sure what they believe lots more breathing room? So it’s less like a guided tour with a quiz at the end and more like a hands-on children’s museum, with so much to explore?

What if we encouraged them to go a la carte, at least for the time being—to say “I like this part of what you believe, over here, but I don’t think I can accept this part”?

What if belief was presented less like a pre-plated meal, with the objective being to entirely clean your plate (or you won’t get any dessert)? What if it was more like a potluck, with the immediate goal simply “being fed,” even if it’s just a snack, or dessert before veggies?

Maybe we’re afraid of our faith being partially accepted and partially rejected, because it makes us uncomfortable and defensive. But shouldn’t we be more concerned that people leave our table hungry and wanting? Or that they are inclined to avoid it altogether?

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  • http://www.cleverfoodblog.com Jason

    This idea is a big reason why we chose to attend a Unitarian Universalist church, we want to be able to pick from that potluck buffet of knowledge and experience that so many different faiths can offer. There are some who come to UU from an anti-theistic point of view, uncomfortable with the mention of God, but there are just as many who are happy to pray to Jesus and meditate on Zen koans. Sometimes I find that the congregation is liberal and well-educated to a fault–it’s easy to get into the mindset that your beliefs are “better” because you can see what’s “wrong” with everyone else. Overall, though, UUs tend toward encouraging dialogue and inclusiveness in all aspects of life.

  • Kristin Jackson

    Hey Kristin–
    I liked your post, because it asks one of the big questions that people who study Christian formation seem to be talking about right now. The language that they often use is from mathematics: is the church a “bounded set” or a “centered set”? The bounded set idea, which is a more traditional view, names certain beliefs and behaviors that form a boundary between who is, and who is not, a Christian. The centered set approach, as I understand it, focuses on our movement toward the center of faith (Jesus), which takes place over one’s lifetime, and is more willing to be a little fuzzy on the question of what constitutes being “in” and “out.” I like that metaphor of moving towards and ever deepening center, and I wonder if that speaks to you.

  • http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/ Kristin T.

    Jason, I can see why the UU appeals to you. I also think it’s wise of you to recognize that the congregation can be “liberal and well-educated to a fault.” Sounds like a good balance for where you’re at right now—one that will keep you growing and exploring as well as questioning and challenging.

    Kristin, it’s good to hear from you! This whole idea of the church being a “bounded set” or “centered set” is fascinating. The metaphor of “moving towards and ever deepening center” definitely speaks to me. As Jason and I were talking about some of these ideas a few days ago, he mentioned Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as an interesting analogy, which I think relates to what you are saying. We can’t tackle everything at once. Sometimes we need to take a step and feel secure in that before we’re willing and able to go deeper. Parents need to know their children have daily food in their bellies, for instance, before they can really worry about if they’re spending enough time reading books. I think grasping and accepting faith can be like that.

    And to everyone, as I was writing this post, late last night, I knew some red flags were embedded in what I was saying. I decided to get the conversation going and clarify more along the way. But this seems like a good moment to say that when it comes to faith, I do believe in certain absolute truths that are ultimately critical. At the same time, there are other commonly accepted “truths” that I’m not so sure about, or I’m not so sure they’re as critical as we make them out to be.

    I think there are different ways to interpret the potluck analogy, but my analogy was meant to point toward an idea of all God has to offer being spread out on a table. Rather than being forced to eat it all in one sitting, we are invited to taste what we’re willing and able to put on our plates in this moment, and to keep coming back for more. My role is to help people feel more welcomed and comfortable with that setup.

  • http://www.ordinarymer.com Meredith

    Yes! The idea of having to “swallow whole” some ideology or list of rules is exactly why I fell away from organized religion in the first place. I couldn’t – because someone told me I couldn’t – reconcile what I did belief with what I didn’t believe. I was told you can’t pick and choose.

    And to some degree (like your clarification comment points out), you can’t just pick and choose anything. Otherwise, we might have as many religions as there are people in the world. (Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t know.) But the idea of “all or nothing” pushes a lot of people away.

    I love the metaphor of the buffet table, of taking what we can handle right now and then being able to come back for more. It reminds me of how we learn about God and faith as children – we start with what we know and are comfortable with and, gradually as we get older, we learn about the things that are more complex and dynamic. A little bit at a time, we learn more about ourselves and our faith.

  • Elaine Tolsma-Harlow

    First, thank you for the clarification. I do believe that there are some absolute truths, the foundation that cannot be shaken, but I think the problem with Christianity today is the close-mindedness of too many Christians.
    I love the idea of the movement towards Jesus. There is always more to be explored, more to be challenged in our faith. There is no one perfect denomination that can answer all the questions. For that matter, I believe God could care less about denominations in the first place.
    After my battle with cancer & the 5 years it took to feel somewhat normal, I let go of the idea of being whole, but the idea of moving towards being holy. The beauty of having free will is that we all can “sample” from the table in a variety of ways and means and find Jesus in our own very unique journeys through life.

  • http://modite.com/blog Rebecca

    Religion a la carte? This is why I love your blog Kristin. I do think many people are defining their own value systems and religions today since so there are no one size fits all model anymore. I’m so interested to see where these trends go in the future.

  • Matt Barnes

    Kristin, this was a breath of fresh air. Thank you.

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  • http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/ Kristin T.

    Meredith, isn’t it amazing how others like to meddle in our attempts to reconcile where we’re at and what we think? As if that reconciling isn’t challenging enough all on its own! I’m really sorry (but not surprised) that has been your experience with the church. You’re absolutely right, though, about this model we’re talking about being very much like our experience as children: “A little bit at a time, we learn more about ourselves and our faith.” That just feels so right, to me.

    Elaine, you mention the close-mindedness of many Christians, which is a really significant part of this problem. And I think that close-mindedness is rooted in fear, as it so often is. Maybe we need to face our fears together. Maybe we need to sit down and ask “What exactly are we so afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen?” As a cancer survivor, you know the importance of that exercise better than most people. And isn’t the result of facing our fears, even in theory if not reality, an enormous sense of freedom?

    Rebecca, I always love getting your wise, in-touch Gen-Y input and perspective. It helps me take the things I’m thinking about now, in relation to me, and spin them out a decade or two into the future, for the generations a step behind me. Fascinating to think about, indeed.

    Matt, thanks so much for reading, and for letting me know what you think. I love that through blogs and a variety of other interactions, we can all help provide some fresh air and ideas for one another.

  • Elaine Tolsma-Harlow

    I do think fear is a big part of it. The fear of failure, disappointment and the fear of being out of your comfort zone inhibits many people (me on occasion too :)). The realization that God is bigger than our fears sounds easy, but is hard to practice.
    I also think there is a bit of “I’m-better-than-you-are” & blatant discrimination. Moving towards faith and being invited to encompass more than just one idea is much more inviting and more freeing than one size fits all.

  • Ron Simkins

    Really nice image of us being more inviting to others on God’s behalf. Thanks.

  • http://www.orangeshirtguy.com Dave Thurston

    Tweet Length Comment A: “. . . less like a guided tour with a quiz at the end and more like a hands-on children’s museum” <– Man, that is like getting something to rhyme with orange. I’m going to be mentally considering church the next time we go to the Children’s museum.

    Tweet Length Comment B: I didn’t read this one for a few days because of the picture – “ugh, I don’t want any food pointers as I’m making spaghetti again.” Apparently, I was “off”.

    Tweet Length Comment C: Although you already know it, your commenters are the perfect frame for your artwork. I can’t think of any other blog where I read all of the comments like I do on yours. Well done KT and Commenters.

  • http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/ Kristin T.

    Elaine, yes! You nailed it by pointing out that “I’m better than you are” attitude. The thing that’s so tricky about that is it happens in both directions—there’s the “I’m better than you are because I have accepted this nice, complete faith package with all the perks” and the “I’m better than you are because I’m an intellectual and I don’t accept everything blindly.” We all need to beware of that attitude, no matter where we stand.

    Ron, I really like how you put that: “…being more inviting to others on God’s behalf.” And I should add that this is one of the things I appreciate most about our church/fellowship—we are inviting to people with lots of doubts and questions, at all stages of the journey. Thanks for leading in that.

    Dave, A) Thanks for your kind words. I love analogies, especially when come to me out of nowhere, almost like they’re God-given, as the potluck and children’s museum analogies did. B) That’s too funny. I’ll only share food pointers if you ask. :) C) Yes, my commenters (you included) are the best on the Internet. I deeply admire and appreciate you all.

  • Alisa

    Charming perspective and so true! Right on, Kristin. Let’s pray this potluck style when implemented leads folks to truly “taste and see that the Lord is good”.

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  • bob pearson

    KT,

    A model I use is that the range of understanding of what Christians believe is more like a bell shaped curve. Most churches or denominations like to draw a vertical line of small but varying width through this line at one point and say that that where all truth lies and anyone outside this line is a heretic. Being a community that is centered on Jesus but open to the broad and vast range of where God is with each person seems like what we are called to do at this time of the evolution of the Christian faith.
    Thanks for this blog post.

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